Learnin to Fly

There have been a few events this month that have left me feeling proud, honored, excited, motivated and happy. Today was one of those days. We had our first Charity Ride at Fly to raise money for Charity Water. We took the bikes outside for the first time, over to the hotel across the way. There were volunteers, donated coffee and pastries, an amazing DJ to spin during our ride and we raised over $2000!!! It was just......pure awesome. I have been teaching cycling for a little over 6 months and it has become my favorite class ever. There really is something magical about teaching that class. I think because for me, that is one of the few places I can really LET GO. I ride that bike and feel so connected to my body and the music. I can clear my mind, forgive myself for anything, feel strong and powerful, feel emotions that I need to feel. Today, I taught a class way out of my comfort zone. I had a mic for the first time, we were outside on the waterfront, it was a big event. I was so nervous but oh so excited. I am just proud of myself for today... I put that mic on and just felt good. The music was bumpin, the class was pumped up, the vibe was one of a kind. There was a breeze that kept coming through the tent and every time it did, I thought of my mom. There is a poem she wrote before she died and it says, "the breeze on your cheek is me." That wind would come through our tent and I knew without a doubt that she was there. She was probably sayin, "you go girl!"

It doesnt matter where I teach or how big the event is, I instantly try to find a connection to each person in the class because that is what matters. That connection is why I teach. The energy that a positive, hard working group can create is so unique and powerful. I felt it so strong today. As I was teaching this morning I really took it all in. 6 months ago I was afraid to get on a teacher's bike. I remember driving to the YMCA, telling myself that no matter what happened, I would be okay. I remember how terrified I was, I almost didn't go. I remember the first time I taught at Fly and Traci threw me up on the bike. She asked me if I was ready and I am sure I said "oh ya, totally ready." but on the inside I was dying. Scared out of my brain! The thing that I am most proud of is that I knew I wanted to do this. I knew I loved fitness and people and feeling healthy. I pushed past all of the fear and here I am today, feeling so comfortable teaching it feels like second nature.
I have had quite a few people tell me that this is my "year to soar." This is my year to find myself and really find my happiness. Each time I take a risk or step out of my comfort zone, I feel myself soar.
Today was so validating. It felt so good to know I am in the right place, for the first time in my life I don't feel lost.

living

I wake up smiling
My body feels healthy and strong
I take a deep breath
Looking forward to today
this is me now
it doesnt matter where I have been or who I was before
all I can do is honor the me NOW
I believe in myself
I am proud of my ideas and decisions
I respect myself
I feel good living inside of me
this is what my normal should have always been
but
it took me awhile to get here
smile
that is okay
THIS
this
is living and it feels really good

creating the moments

I was neurotic mom this weekend. We went to Chad's work party which was a summer bbq type party. Outside, on the water (no fence), boats, hazards, not baby proof, danger. I was a crazy person chasing my son. I could actually feel Chad's co workers thinking I was psycho, in a nice way of corse. The party was SO FUN, I was actually have fun myself but at the same time I could feel how crazy I was. I was chasing Dutch around EVERY WHERE, picking him up so he would not jump into the water, only to have him squirm to get down. He was having the time of his life, digging in the dirt, almost falling and hitting his head on the huge rock where he was digging. Me-freak out mode. I went right for that white wine and Chad kept asking me if I was okay and he had that look of, "are you losing your shit?!" on his face. Funny thing is, I was enjoying myself. I was watching so many firsts for Dutch. His first boat ride in which he had a blast! Its so cool to watch him conquer his own fears. Loud motor-he was not sure about that, second time we went super fast and got the loud motor, he was cracking up!
By the end of the day we were all exhausted but it really was such an awesomely fun party. I started to realize I am creating the moments you only see in pictures. I have so many pictures of my own mom and I dont remember that love or what that moment felt like with her. I am living them now. I am that mom in the photo full of love for her child. Just knowing that is allowing me to realize and feel how much she loved me and my brother. Just like that. So although I was neurotic mom and the day went by so fast, I am confident yesterday was one of the best days of my life. I really want to make everyday one of those, even if part of that day I am chasing Dutch, throwing around a few F bombs under my breath as he tries to run away during diaper change, or when I just feel like I am losing my cool- THAT day, can still be one of the best if I just allow it to be. Thanks again, Dutch, for allowing me to feel the love of a mother. Amazing.

share the love

Comparrison. Is it ever really a good thing? I am game for friendly competition when it motivates me or lights a fire under my ass in a good way. Lately though, I have been comparing my own body to other bodies. Is this needed? No. It seems to happen without my control. The day starts out normal, wake up, feel good, proud of how sore I am from my workouts, eat a healthy breakfast, head out of the house-ready to feel awesome. Then I see some chick with lean muscles, a nice tan, probably a six pack somewhere and a little piece of me freaks out. I start to pick apart my own body, analyze my body fat percentage, worry that I eat too much, wonder how long it would take me to look like them, exactly. Does this sound crazy? It should, because although I am thinking these things, at the same time, I know perfectly well that these thoughts are totally bullshit crazy. Its like I cant help it, the thoughts start to snowball and my confidence takes a backseat for atleast a few minutes. I have really been paying attention to when this happens and focusing on talking myself back into reality. I owe it to myself to let these negative thoughts go. I guess its all just fear. Fear of what? Not really sure, I guess being totally and completey comfortable with who I am. Can I live in that comfort? I really think I can. It is going to take some effort to send love to myself whenever I feel doubt. Send love and appreciation to all the hard bodies out there that I start to envy. My son Dutch is a constant reminder to get real. My body made him, for the love of GOD. I need and want to radiate self love in his honor. I notice when I do feel good about myself and value who I am no matter what that is, I feel empowered. When I love me, no matter what is going on with someone else, I remain happy. I think its wierd that the natural tendency for women is to be so self punishing, even if its a small thought. I work with some amazing teenage girls and it reminds me so much of the struggles I had when I was in my teens. Self love was pretty much non existant from the age of 16-26 for me. That is ten years of negative thinking to recalibrate and it is defnately feeling like a whole new view on life. I think all women struggle with insecurities. How can they not when everywhere they look are supermodels, reality tv stars, magazines and diet pills. I want every woman to realize they are beautiful, good enough and its okay if there are other people out there that have the hot looks. There is enough beauty, love and happiness to go around. I want to remind myself to admire other women and remain confident no matter who is around me. No matter who you are, you are good enough. Always. High five sisters.

another battle with the scale...dont worry, I win

I have felt myself dipping into the land of the oh so judgemental in the last two weeks and I dont like it. I know it all started because I got onto a scale. Why did I do it? I dont know....peer pressure I guess. Anyways it happened. Here I was, minding my own buisness, loving myself, feeling amazing in my own body.......then I got on a scale and the number seemed to scream at me, "YOU HEFFER!" I instantly stepped off the thing and felt like a different person. Where did that fun loving, I feel so good, chick go? I need her back! All of a sudden the tiny piece of me that feels insecure came out to play. Lets give her a name, shall we? How about CRASEY. I like it. Okay, so CRASEY decided she was fat because of some stupid number.
How much sense does that make? REALLY!? Why do women want to "weigh" less? To feel beautiful and healthy. Okay, I got it. So tell me how I was feeling beautiful and healthy and then all of a sudden, it changed. hmmm. Although I can rationalize this in my mind, the week just kept filling up with insecurities. I started to look at all of the women I was with and all of a sudden I was comparing myself to them. Wow, I am the biggest one in this room. Comparing, weighing, television, plastic surgery, to me it all adds to the pressure that I felt. Luckily I mentioned something to my husband and told him a little bit about what I was feeling. He looked at me and said, "Casey, you are an amazon goddess and I love your body." HE SAID THOSE WORDS. HE CALLED ME AMAZON! I laughed so hard and that little sentence just led me right back to feeling good again. I know that nothing matters other than what is in my heart and I love myself. Its confusing to be a 33 year old woman and not want to lose weight. I have wanted to lose weight my entire adult life until last year. I am still adjusting to the self love and I need to accept that little slips are just reminders that its all good and that I have grown so much as a person. I encourage all of you women out there, of all shapes and sizes to look in the mirror and say I love you. Not kidding. DO IT because you really deserve it. Its okay not to be a size 2, its okay to take care of your body, to eat healthy and exercise and be okay with whatever size that is. This blog post is a reminder to myself and I am going to find a mirror now :).

Finding my passion....one bead of sweat at a time

I got to the YMCA last night and was excited to teach class. It is so interesting how I was so afraid to even attempt to teach and now I am finding myself so ready to fill up my classes! I feel as if I am stepping into my own power at the ripe ole age of 33. I now know the meaning of passion and I am ready to continue learning about my own. I have heard people talk about loving their job and I could never really comprehend what that felt like. I have liked jobs but nothing that made me so excited to go to "work", so in love with what I was doing that the money didnt matter, so high on life after I am done with my "work" it makes me a happier person. If I would have held onto my fear of teaching and never taken this step, I would have never known these feelings and let me tell you.........they are delicious!
My new favorite day of the week is Sunday when I teach at Fly Fitness. The studio is just gorgeous and the people who workout and teach there are all so hard working and so fun!
Although I still get nervous to teach, I have so much more confidence because I have gotten to a place where I have proven my own strength to myself. I had to give myself permission to fail before this all started. I would drive to teach a class and I would be SO FREAKED that I would calmly tell myself, "Casey, it doesnt matter what happens here. All I need you to do is have fun. That is it. If you suck, you suck. Its okay." That personal conversation really helped me to go for it. I have found that I love motivating people so much that teaching cycling has become a dream come true. I love teaching because it allows me to push people beyond what they think they are capable of. I am there to help guide people through an intense experience of strength, power and balancing all of their energies. Teaching Cycling is not just teaching Cycling to me, it is an "experience." I want to help people let go of the negative and realize their own strength! I feel so incredibly proud of myself and that is not something I have ever felt. Not like this. I am someone who is afraid to speak in public. I have always been someone who was afraid of being responsible for leading a group although I always knew I was a leader deep down in my heart. I have never been confident sharing all of my thoughts (even though I do anyways) and when I am with a class I let go of all my doubts. It really is a divine moment when my desire to be a good coach takes over and my fear of what others will think vacates the building. At 33 years old I have given myself permission to LET GO and find my true passion. This is all so exciting! I day dream of teaching more and more classes and being there to coach all different kinds of people. I am so in love with fitness that this is such a good combination for me.
The shift in my energy after I teach a class is so AWESOME! I definately feel recharged, happy, connected and in love with the world!
The reason I am sharing this is because I want everyone in the world to feel this if they want to. I had alot of opportunties to teach before this time and I stepped away from them and made excuses because I was afraid to fail. I am going to make it a point to really slow down and think about what I want. I dont want to let fear stop me from living a life full of awesome. Now that I have experienced pure positive joy to the max, I want more more more!!!! I am so excited to see what happens.

Mission: Make time for ME atleast once a week

I am one of those loony people who believe that our own illnesses or sicknesses are trying to tell us something. I was on my second cold in three weeks when I decided to listen to the message. Okay cold-what is up? why are you here? In the back of my mind I really did think it was a message to slow down but I already knew that one. I know I have alot on my plate and I like it that way. I kept on coughing, sneezing and sounding like Nasal Nancy all the while wondering if I could beat the cold while ignoring the message. I am happy being busy!
Funny thing is, I have been feeling pretty frazzled lately. I really have not been taking much time to just smell the roses and recharge. Doesnt teaching cycling count as my down time? It is so much fun! A little voice in the back of my mind kept saying "meditate". I have been trying to ignore that voice too because sometimes it is like pulling teeth just laying there and centering myself.
I decided to consult the experts. I called inot Marie Manucherhi's radio show to ask for quidance. She is an Energy Worker and her show is one of my fave's. I know you are not judging me right now, right? Okay good. So one of Marie's regular guests, Dr. Sheila Dunn Merrit was one the show. She is a Naturopath and has a practice right here in Bellevue. I began telling them about the cold and they started asking me questions.
What do you think the cold is about? Needing to slow down
What have you done to take a step in that direction? Um.....nothing
Why not? Because I am a control freak and I love to be busy. I worry that my family needs me all the time and if I leave for myself I am totally selfish and not being a good mom.
Is that working out for you? hahaha, no
Would you like to let go of that guilt and that stress? HEC YES!
I realized from that call that I didnt have to meditate every day for an hour to get some down time. I can take Vader for walk and ENJOY it. This weekend I really dedicated some time, even just 20minutes a day to enjoying myself and just slowing down. I walked Vader, read a book, took a nap (so amazing).
I am so not Nasal Nancy anyomre, not kidding you. Even as I talked to them on the radio show I could feel my nose start to breath a little better.
I am sharing this because I think alot of moms can feel guilty about not mom'ing enough. We seem to think we have to do everything all day long or else the sky will fall. I suggest we all try to take that time just for us and recharge. We deserve it and it will make us that much better at the end of the day. I know Chad apprecaited the time he could take with just Dutch. When I did go home I felt happy, rejuvinated, NOT STRESSED and it was so much better. I really did need it and highly recomend it. I double dog dare you!