Mission: Make time for ME atleast once a week

I am one of those loony people who believe that our own illnesses or sicknesses are trying to tell us something. I was on my second cold in three weeks when I decided to listen to the message. Okay cold-what is up? why are you here? In the back of my mind I really did think it was a message to slow down but I already knew that one. I know I have alot on my plate and I like it that way. I kept on coughing, sneezing and sounding like Nasal Nancy all the while wondering if I could beat the cold while ignoring the message. I am happy being busy!
Funny thing is, I have been feeling pretty frazzled lately. I really have not been taking much time to just smell the roses and recharge. Doesnt teaching cycling count as my down time? It is so much fun! A little voice in the back of my mind kept saying "meditate". I have been trying to ignore that voice too because sometimes it is like pulling teeth just laying there and centering myself.
I decided to consult the experts. I called inot Marie Manucherhi's radio show to ask for quidance. She is an Energy Worker and her show is one of my fave's. I know you are not judging me right now, right? Okay good. So one of Marie's regular guests, Dr. Sheila Dunn Merrit was one the show. She is a Naturopath and has a practice right here in Bellevue. I began telling them about the cold and they started asking me questions.
What do you think the cold is about? Needing to slow down
What have you done to take a step in that direction? Um.....nothing
Why not? Because I am a control freak and I love to be busy. I worry that my family needs me all the time and if I leave for myself I am totally selfish and not being a good mom.
Is that working out for you? hahaha, no
Would you like to let go of that guilt and that stress? HEC YES!
I realized from that call that I didnt have to meditate every day for an hour to get some down time. I can take Vader for walk and ENJOY it. This weekend I really dedicated some time, even just 20minutes a day to enjoying myself and just slowing down. I walked Vader, read a book, took a nap (so amazing).
I am so not Nasal Nancy anyomre, not kidding you. Even as I talked to them on the radio show I could feel my nose start to breath a little better.
I am sharing this because I think alot of moms can feel guilty about not mom'ing enough. We seem to think we have to do everything all day long or else the sky will fall. I suggest we all try to take that time just for us and recharge. We deserve it and it will make us that much better at the end of the day. I know Chad apprecaited the time he could take with just Dutch. When I did go home I felt happy, rejuvinated, NOT STRESSED and it was so much better. I really did need it and highly recomend it. I double dog dare you!

say NO to diets

If you would have asked me about nutrition two years ago, I would have told you which diet or "guidelines" I was following. There is something about the world we live in that has the power to make women feel they have to be less LB's than they are. I had my "number" that I always strived toward. It was my weight sophomore year of college when I was like 19. Um, hello?! Unrealistic to be teenage weight foreva! Dont ask me how drinking like 12 beers a day and not eating much except for the days when I ate like a whole pizza cuz I was drunk could be the time when my body was super skinny. The key ingredient that I was missing is-- why did I want to be skinny? Just to be skinny? How about to feel good in my own skin? To have a healthy digestive track, to be proud of my healthy body. I dont think that even crossed my mind until I became pregnant. I was MISS WEIGHT WATCHERS, I even started to work for the company after I made "lifetime." The secret I was hiding during that fantastic diet was how I learned to manipulate the system to lose weight and eat completely unhealthy. I would save up points to have a huge, make me sick dessert and use the point system to judge whether I was good or bad. If I lost weight that week I didnt care about how I gave myself a stomach ache like a million times that week. There is nothing about that, that makes sense. Let me tell all of you women out there, YOU ARE ALL GOOD! I am serious. I started reading Geneen Roth's books and could totally relate to the feelings she was describing regarding eating. There are so many things that factor into my new outlook on food and my body but bottom line is I dont have rules. The only rule I have is the rule to eat things that make me feel good. Of corse taste is a factor. Of corse there are moments where I eat something like a big piece of cheesecake and have not the best feeling in my tummy afterwards but I have made a decision that no matter what, I will still love and respect myself.
Ironically I feel better than I ever have in my whole life. I am also 15 lbs. MORE my "number" that I held onto for so many years. I am almost 33 years old and any time I catch myself going into that place of self doubt, I ask myself. How many years of my life am I going to waste worrying about what I look like? At my funeral, will it matter if I was a size 6 or a size whatever? The only thing that matters is feeling happy, feeling like you are worth taking care of yourself. If you dont feel those things, that is okay too. I encourage women to take steps to honor who they are. I cant tell you how many women I talk to have feelings of "not good enough" whether they are skinny or not. Havent you looked at someone with self confidence and thought, DAMN, I want that. I know it can be scary to start to let go of diets but if I can do it, literally anyone can. I NEVER thought I would be someone who didnt always worry about weight and food. I can happily say just by honoring my body and switching the focus from I want to be skinny to I want to be healthy, I was able to live a happier life. I am so glad no one is perfect. Perfect is so so so boring. Dont believe me? Just watch Black Swan.

When the going gets tough......I cry.......then I reflect

It has been one of the those parenting weeks that has brought me back to the newborn stage. I have felt scared, insecure and worried about my baby. At the end of this week it is safe to say my baby is fine, I am the one going nuts.
No one ever told me about separation anxiety. If they did, I did not listen. I heard of the terrible two's and the newborn stage but not the 15 months old and all of a sudden I throw tantrums, go on hunger strikes and cry all the time stage. Here is the deal, ever since Dutch started daycare he has in a nut shell, cried whenever he is around me. He wants me to hold him all the time. Sometimes he wont even stop crying when I am holding him. I have noticed at times I can brave the storm. I can laugh and keep on going and let it all be, even with screaming baby. Other times, I hit my breaking point. I feel angry, trapped and just plain done. This only lasts for a minute or two but it can happen. I even started crying while Dutch was crying which confused both of us. He stopped for a second and was like, hey- I am crying, not you. It actually kind of made me laugh.
I have been praying alot this week trying to get God to work with me.
My prayers go like this:
God-please help Dutch to realize he is safe and loved and I will always be here for him
or
God-seriously? what is the deal, can you work with me here?!
or
God-I cant take this anymore! Cant you just let Dutch see you and do a dance and maybe light up or something so he will be distracted?
I kind of wish I was joking but I am not because that is honestly how it has been going.
I did hit my ultimate wall of stress and I think that has been a good thing. Ever since Friday when I totally lost it, things have almost clicked into perspective. I decided TODAY that things were going to be different. I was going to have a positive happy attitude no matter what Dutch decides to do. I will work on ignoring his cried to help him understand things are okay even if I am not holding him. I have loved getting out and taking breaks which has been huge. Teaching cycling, walking Vader or just going upstairs for a few minutes have made such a difference. Chad has been so great and having all of the crazy of this week has allowed me to see what a great partner he is. He has said the right things and been there when I needed him. When MAMA is not happy, PAPA knows he better be there. Moms-you feel me, right?!
I know the tough times always make the good times shine that much brighter. As a mom, it can be very hard to remember that fact when you hear your baby upset- even if he is just being a diva.
I know when Dutch is older I will wish for this time when he wanted no one other than me. I try to picture that when I am in deep.
As of right now he has been asleep for almost three hours. I really appreciate that, God. :)

BAM! Here is some life in yo face

This week was really really challenging. My family is going through a lot of exciting changes and I was surprised when it all seemed overwhelming. I love change! I love being busy! Why does it seem so stressful all of a sudden?

At the core of all of these things is being a mom. No matter what is happening, Dutch is my first priority. He started daycare this week and he absolutely loved it. I am so so so proud of him. He still cried really hard when I dropped him off and chased after me when I left. Day two I actually hit him with the door when he was running after me. It was a soft tap, dont worry. Oopsie!

While my Dutchie was going through his transition into boyhood, my husband was starting a new job. We were working out the kinks of only having one car while all of this exciting stuff was going on. Throughout this week I have felt so excited but at the same time so overwhelmed and so busy! The Universe decided to add some cold's to the mix just to keep it real.
Chad was the first to get the cold. I thought he was being such a baby but then I got the cold. I was a big baby. Still am.

Today, Dutch's daycare called. As soon as I saw the numbers on the caller ID- I freaked. OMG! Why are they calling me! Is my baby ok? They were very nice and just explained my baby had a fever.
I will be right there! All of a sudden, I did not give a crap about Chad's cold or my cold.

When I picked Dutch up, all of the other stuff just kind of melted away.
I really dont have anything to worry about as long as my boy is okay. I might need to keep that in my back pocket for the next time Starbucks forgets my white mocha in my mocha.

I got home and really thought about the week and all of the things I was worried about.
The house was quiet. Dutch was napping. I felt so peaceful for the first time all week.
Sometimes sucky things can make you appreciate your life.
Being sick makes me realize I need to spend more time appreciating my health.
I really and truly need to wake up everyday and say thank you (for my health, for our home, for my family, for our ONE car, for the day, for my protein shake :)