My baby is almost one..........

My son turns one in eight days. I realize his life is going to flash before my eyes. It is amazing how intense my fear was the first few months of his life. I enjoy him so much and I cant imagine my life without him. Personally there are alot of reasons I was afraid to become a mother. My own mom passed away when I was seven and I dont think that grief will ever fully go away. I know people put moms on pedastols but let me tell ya, when yours dies early, her pedastole is so high- its in the clouds. I am so honored to have taken the role as Dutch's mom and I dont think those words will ever lose their charm. Okay maybe when he becomes a teenager, but for now, they are music to my ears.

Seeing Dutch at the age of one definately changes my perspective on my own parents. I understand they always did the best they could, living in their own worlds and using their own experiences to make decisions.

I hope Dutch grows up loving me. I hope he loves me half as much as I love him. I day dream about what he will be like as he gets older. He is already so.........Dutch. He does not like to be held down ie, diaper change (tears), changing his clothes (tears), buckling him the carseat (holy moly, watch out). He LOVES to be thrown through the air. If someone is tossing him around, pushing him into pillows, anything that involves being crazy active, he loves it. He has developed a frown he likes to wear about 50% of his day. Where the heck did that come from? He loves to check out other kids and can be a very serious little boy. He has a fascination with Elmo, but how can you blame him? Elmo is pretty rad.

I am fascinated by Dutch and am so appreciative to have the priveledge of loving him. I want to be a mom that he looks up to. I want to have my own passions and ideas that he thinks are so cool. I want to share my life with him and let him share his with me. I want to be a mom that honors his ideas and ways of thinking and I will always be his number one cheerleader no matter what. I always want to support him even if I dont understand where he is coming from.

At times it can be hard to seperate myself from my baby. I do things like go to work, exercise, and practice yoga, which take time away from him. At the same time, those things feed my own soul and I never want to neglect my own passions for life.

The first year of Dutch's life has taught me so much about who I really want to be. Who do I want him to see when he looks at his mother? Bottom line, I want him to know I love him more than anything in this universe and will do so forever. Thank you baby and happy birthday!