My on again off again relationship to Hot Yoga just went OFF

I have to give some background because I have a feeling this post can rub some hot yoga lovers the wrong way. I have been practicing hot yoga for about the last 10 years but the last five pretty steadily. There are so many things that drew me into this practice and most are ego based, admitted. Back in the day I loved how hot yoga just kicked my ass. It was tough and for a person who was very hard on herself for a long time, I welcomed the punishing workouts. There is something about it (at some of the studios I have been to) that is either peer pressure or dedication. I really cant tell. I mean a 30 day challenge, what the hell is that?! Its mean! I was a super freak and went for a 60 day challenge. Not healthy!!!! When I find myself worrying if I will get a spot in the front of the class or hoping that the instructor thinks I have good form, the yoga of it all is out the window. Whether the room is hot or cold the yoga is relaxing the mind. Letting go of the ego. I have to give hot yoga credit for getting me into a yoga room and starting my yoga journey. I have since taken non heated classes and different styles of yoga, practiced at different studios and there is a playful peace to many other styles of practice.
Let me explain where all of this is coming from.
Tonight I had one of the hottest and most painful classes I have had in a long time. To me the room felt angry. It was intense, extreme, it was so hot it wasnt about lengthening my body or letting go, it was about survival. I am serious. To top it off I was next to Ms. Hot Yoga herself and she was loving it.
I still have that competitive edge to me and I sometimes struggle with letting myself take breaks. I wonder if I really need it or if I just want it- that whole deal.
There was no choice tonight, it felt like take a break or die. Literally.
After the class was over I literally crawled out of the room. I felt like someone had just hit me over the head with a fever type feeling and it was NOT GOOD.
I realize this doesnt always happen to me after class and maybe I could have had more water, yada yada but something is telling me-Case, you dont have to punish yourself in a yoga class. It just doesnt make sense to me or my body right now.
Currenly I cycle, run, lift weights among other things but those are in my weekly regime. I have such a loving relationship with yoga and I want to find that romance again. I want it to feel good, to strengthen and lengthen. I want to walk out of the room lighter and freer. Not worried that I wont be able to drive home.
So once again I am going to take my yoga journey to another level. I am going to focus on practicing yoga that feeds my soul and body. Amen, Namaste, Holy crap. WHEW!

What happens when you look fear in the face? AWESOMNESS that is what

I have to share what it was like to teach my first spin class. I should have documented this right after it happened but I have been all up in my head about writing for the last few weeks. That is a whole different story for another time (maybe).
I posted awhile ago about being so scared but excited to teach spinning. Teaching has been that thing that I dreamed about. I always hoped I would be a natural, assumed I would kick ass but never actually tried it. Why? I guess whenever I thought about doing rather than fantasizing I had the fear conversation in my head. Casey-you would choke! You should just keep doing what you are doing, why do you always have to have another goal? Cant you just be happy taking other people's classes? Its too stessful, just let it go. So those were my thoughts.
It has gotten to the point in my life when those thoughts dont have as much impact. I am now a mom, I have a new found confidence after creating a person, (yes, I will use this one for the rest of my life)the timing just feels right to tell those negative thoughts to shut up and see what this teaching thing is all about. Maybe I am not so afraid to fail now that I have Dutch, I dont know.
Funny thing is, none of that matters now because I frickin did it! I went for it! I have to share the story because I am so proud of myself.
I have been taking classes at the YMCA Bellevue after my friend, Robyn referred me. She said after reading my blogs she thought I would like the YMCA because it was a non profit, she teaches yoga there and just loves it. She thought they had a mentor program for teaching. Turns out they do and I have been going the last few weeks. I met my mentor, Bill, and he is just awesome. I took one of his classes and it was fun! He played great music and made teaching seem natural.
Bill told me that I should come to his next class early so that I could learn his routine and possibly teach the following week.
I said sure, but in my head had another plan.
I went home and created a class with my own music.
I was so proud of this class. I put some K$sha in there, some Britney, a little Prodigy. This mix was the SHi$, okay. I planned the class and practiced it every night for my little Dutch. We danced to the songs and I basically pretended he was my audience.
I was good. I was also at home in front of my one year old.
Every time I thought of teaching I would get NERVES, major. I have been wanting to teach for years and I was about to do it! The thought was crazy to me.
I decided that thinking about teaching and breathing deep to release the fear and embrace confidence was my plan.
Thought of teaching-total body freak out-breathe it out.
NICE.....oh ya.
I did this everyday for a week.
It came time to meet Bill and I told him the plan.
"I have a proposition for you." I said
"What if I teach class tonight, how about that?" WHAT WAS I DOING?! I was thinking.........you really ready for this?
Bill just said, "ok."
Then I really got excited! This was it!
people started filtering in and saying, hey Bill-you are in the wrong spot.
No problem. I remained calm.
I helped one gal set up her bike and my nerves were gone.well, not totally, but they were overpowered by total excitement. I was so excited to have fun and teach that I let my inner DIVA out! I honestly didnt even know she was in there. She was fierce!
Class started and I was in HEAVEN!
I felt confident, comfortable, and totally at ease. I was SHOCKED!
It was all because I cared more about helping these people have a great class than wasting time worrying about stupid shi$. Excuse my french.
I genuinely cared about each person getting a great workout and having fun.
I was that teacher that was yelling with confidence for them to NOT STOP, TURN IT UP! Not really what the 50 something YMCA crowd was used to but I hope they were entertained if nothing else.
At one point, Bill told me my music was too loud and they needed a break.
AWESOME! I was kicking their ass! They are more community oriented and I am more ass kicking workout oriented but that is totally fine.
I was IN IT, if you know what I mean.
I know its just teaching one spin class but never in my life have I felt such power and such joy. Honestly. I kept telling them I was loving the view from my bike becasue they were working so hard!
I definately had a moment (almost cried, shhh, dont tell) when Journey came on and I saw this one woman just ROCK OUT. She was workin it, pushing herself and OWNING THAT BIKE. So awesome.
After class I had one guy say, "man, I didnt like your music but you had so much energy, it totally didnt matter."
The Journey lady came up to me and gave me a high five.
I felt so happy!
I know technically I have alot of practicing and learning to do but that is fine by me.
I now know I have the passion and the energy to really do this and that is exciting.
I am teaching again this Sunday and the big boss is going to watch me and make sure I am ready to take on Wed nights starting next month.
I made a new routine just for the YMCA crowd. I cant wait to see what they do when I play Bruce Springstein and U2. I still have techno in there but I am willing to compromise.

Yoga, the art of letting go

What is yoga to me? It is not only a physical workout that allows my body to feel strong, healthy, challenged and loved but it is a mental cleansing. I go into the yoga room whether its heated or non heated to clear my mental clutter. Once I enter the room and lay down my mat, I set my intention to clear my thoughts. If there is a mirror I focus on my third eye with such connection, that I often dont pay attention to anything else in the room. It has taken me a few years to find my yoga breath and to really feel that strong connection to myself and let go of the ego that can creep in, especially in hot yoga.
I know how important nutrition and diet can play into my mind and body during class. I have learned many lessons and each class is different. I can honestly say the yoga room is the one place in this world where I really feel connected to my spirit. I know that sounds heavy but its true. Even if the connection is subtle, it is there if I am open to it.
The other night I went to class despite the fact that I ate a LOT of garlic at lunch that day. My breathe reeked, my stomach was bloated and gassy and I was not in the best condition for a class. My husband was like...."you are still going?! Oh man, I feel bad for whoever is next to you!"
Of corse I still went. I figure you dont open your mouth in yoga-I will be fine, no one will even notice. I really wanted some yoga that night.
At this point, I can taste the garlic in my mouth like the clove was hidden in there somehow. It was gnarly and I did not like it at all. I even said out loud before I ate it, "oh man, this is going to be bad but I dont care."
Later-I cared.
As soon as I walk into the "silent" room, a fellow yogi who I know, instantly came up to me and wanted to chat. Um......this is a SILENT room so as you can imagine, I was forced to whisper with him. I was picturing my husbands face on his face waving his finger and laughing hysterically while saying "I feel sorry for whoever is next to you!" Chad would crack up if he knew I was frickin whispering with some dude.
BUT-in this moment I was able to practice the art of letting go. Yoga has this way about it that keeps my spiritual radar wide open. I am aware. Not only of my body and the class, but of my spirit. Just let this go-I heard in my head. Dont worry if he thinks your breath is stanky and now thinks you have hallitosis and possibly are the grossest yogi alive. Why does that matter? It doesnt....let it go.
Whew, letting go felt so liberating. It was not an instant letting go but after a moment or two, I was able to do it. I realize this is a wierd and insignificant story but the letting go lesson is something that can help me throughout my life. If garlic and whispering get me to let go then I will take it!
Yoga is practice, whether its a downward dog pose or the art of letting something ego related go.....its all good and its all practice.
I find my place in the room and lay out my mat and get into dead pose. This is my favorite pose of all time, you just lay there and find inner peace......atleast that is the goal.
The lady next to me starts HACKING! She is obviously recovering from a cold or throat thing and decided she HAD to come to class. Doesnt she realize how selfish she is being?! How could she do this to me! She is so gross! OMG-if she coughs one more time, I am going to be so pissed. Wait........what am I doing? Why am I thinking these awful things about this nice lady who unfortunately has a cough? What if I just let her cough go? What is so different about a cough vs garlic? Someone could have easily thought the same thoughts about me with garlic. Yoga lesson number two, we are all connected and number three-its always all good. Each time I take a class I realize the yoga is not always in the physical postures-but inside the mind during the class.
Could I ignore this lady's cough? Really ignore it and love her anyways? Send her healing energy and love rather than anything else?
I found I could. It was not easy, each time she coughed for the first instant I was irritated but the seconds that followed allowed me to work through it and let it go, love her and feed my own sould with positivity rather than the negativity.
While I was practicing letting go, I was having an amazing yoga class physically. I felt my body going an inch further when I needed to. Slipping more comfortably into standing bird and feeling places to adjust myself. I do think the physical piece is almost like a guide for walking your mind through the other mud. I picture my body holding my mind's hand and saying-"hey, lets walk through this park together."
I have thought about this class the remainder of my week. When something at work is bothering me, I continue to practice the lesson of letting go. It feels so much better than holding on.

I'm too scared!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I might puke. I have an audition to teach cycling on Saturday. My mind is buzzing. I feel so many things all at one time. This can either go very well or I will make an ass of myself. I am filled with excitement and at the same time feel like I shouldnt even go. Who am I kidding?! I have no idea what I am even going to say or do! But I have to atleast give it a shot. I might come away with good feedback. Why is this such a big deal? Can you tell I am all up in my mind about this? Okay......Casey............this is your heart and soul talking. Relax. Breathe. Everything is okay. You are going to give this a shot. You dont need to know the outcome because that doesnt matter right now. What matters is that you are pushing past your fear. You are trying something because you see passion behind it. You know you want to connect with people, help them feel good about themselves. You have good intentions. You have a good heart. You are good enough and you can do this. Peace.........openness. We love you. We will still love you after you do whatever it is you are going to do on that bike on Saturday. Laugh. This is all just for fun, my dear......

A Ride Through Fear

I have wanted to teach in the fitness industry for atleast the last 12 years. Fitness has always been a passion of mine. It is the one place in my life that I feel confident. I start to sweat and get my heart pumping and my veins are filled with life force. Jedi style. I feel pure positive joy when I am working out and I channel my inner Beyonce.
Why have I waited so long to actually follow my passion? FEAR. (false evidence appearing real, thanks Gary Bussey)
I know the only way that I will ever see if my FEAR is real or imaginary is to just go for it. It has taken me 12 years to get the courage to do just that. I think alot of it has to do with getting comfortable with where I am in life. I have a great job in corporate America and I make a good living. My job makes me think of words like stable, safe, comfortable, somewhat boring, "okay", nice. That is all fine and dandy if it weren't for the fact that I want to live a life full of passion. I want to wake up and be absolutely stoked to go to work. I want to help people improve their lives and feel good about themselves. I want to coach and be a cheerleader for people who want that for themselves. The thought of my career surrounding fitness gives me goose bumps. It is my dream.
I am starting to realize it doesnt have to be this dream that I think about from time to time. If I fail, so be it. I think if you have a passion for something, you owe it to yourself to follow it. Of corse there will be times when I make mistakes or feel like I could have given a better class but that is how you learn and become great!
It's time for mama to go for it.
I am happily taking baby steps and started with the Schwinn Cycling Certification through Fly Fitness (www.wearesuperfly.com). I discovered Fly Fitness through a friend of mine who is now the Studio Manager. I have since taken cycling classes at Fly from the studio owner, Traci Barton. She is so warm, friendly and encouraging and the club reflects that energy. It is the type of studio that creates a family/community environment and I instantly wanted to be apart of it. Traci and her crew have found a way to make exercise so intense and also fun! It feels like finding the workout partner you always wanted. The location is amazing, located in Carillon Point-Kirkland. This means it is right near the water and has an amazing view of the mountains. I cant wait until summer when the classes get taken outdoors! I highly recomend anyone and everyone check this studio out!
I took the Cycling Certification this Saturday through Schwinn. I have to admit I was intimidated coming into this training. I looked around the room and felt myself start to go into the fearful place of doubt. My mind started to talk to me-All these other women are already instructors, they look so fit, I am sure they will get to instruct before I would, I should just give this up now..........blah blah blah. That monkey mind tried to take over! Luckily it didnt last and by the end of the day I was not only certified, but extremely excited.
Amy Dixon, (www.amydixonfitness.com) the Schwinn Instructor, was absolutely amazing. She is a gorgeous and totally in shape- red head- who has incredible energy. You could tell she is passionate about fitness, the Schwinn program and connecting with her students. We learned alot of detail about planning classes and how to match the music to RPM, etc. I was a bit overwhelmed. Until the ride. It was AWESOME! Amy became this cycling warrior-she kicked ass while kicking our ass! She matched the music with the emotion of the ride and had us do visualizations which were surprisingly powerful. You could definately feel the class excitement after we rode together. I was PUMPED! All of a sudden, I found myself more confident. I let go of my fear in that ride and embraced the excitement and my own power. I realized everyone in the class was so warm, friendly, open and fantastic. It was a welcome shift from fear to joy. All it took was doing what I love.
I dont know how ready I am to jump on the bike and teach but I do hope to find a mentor to get me to that next step. I want to offer powerful, fun, motivating, hard core classes that get people excited to find their inner Beyonce. We all have one, dont we?! I am going to continue to push past fear and move through this life, living full out. I welcome fear anytime because behind it is always something worth living for.

Dutch's Fave Foods

Being a mom means you are usually the one to buy the groceries and feed the family. Mom's get the privilege of introducing the joy of food to their bambinos and establish the family food dynamic. I personally love this job and find grocery shopping very relaxing. Dutch seems to get a kick out of the grocery store, so its a win win. I love food and I hope my son finds pleasure in it too! Not only is eating fueling our bodies, but it tastes amazing, especially when it is healthy.

Here are some of Dutch's faves:

1. Avocado-Plain or on top of eggs (favorite number two), my boy can eat a half of an avocado in one sitting, easy. Avocado's are full of beta carotene and antioxidants. They are great for eye and hearth health along with a number of other positive health benefits.

2. Cage Free scrambled eggs-Once these babies cool down, Dutch can pick them up with his fingers and feed himself. I go with cage free, because although slightly more expensive, I have seen one too many documentaries about the disgusting conditions of caged chickens. I don't want my son eating a sad caged, mistreated animals anything. He needs to be eating a happy chicken! Eggs are a great protein source!

3. Whole Wheat Cinnamon Toast-I put some butter, cinnamon and xylitol on a piece of whole wheat toast and cut it up, so once again, Mr. Independent can feed himself. Xylitol is good for the teeth and butter is a great fat for growing boys. The whole wheat toast gets him some grain and vuala! A delicious breakfast!

4. Tofu- High in protein, vitamins and promotes healthy cholesterol. I get a little worried about him chewing meat so this is great because it is easy to eat and it absorbs whatever flavor you add to it. I usually just cook it in olive oil and a bit of seasoning. You can make it sweet or savory.

5. Yogurt-This is a recent fave because the first time he tried it, I picked the wrong flavor. Plain with a little vanilla was too sour! Dutch loves the Greek Gods Palmegranite flavored yogurt and so does his dad! I stay away from alot of the yogurts marketed towards kids because they add alot of sugars and chemicals to make it taste good, which is so sad! Dont do that people! I read labels and make sure the yogurt does not contain anything with -lose at the end like sucralose, glucose, etc. because that is just added sugar. If the label says too many words that I can't pronounce, then I do not buy. I love the Greek Gods brand. Yogurt has the healthy probiotics that our bodies need to digest food. There are about three or four that you will see on your yogurt label and although hard to pronounce, you do want them in your babies. These are the pectin and active cultures that create the good bacteria their little tummies need.

I know Dutch has chosen his favorite foods wisely, because his wise mama is helping, of corse! I want to teach my son that food can fuel his body in a way that can make him have a ton of energy. I know his dad will take him to McDonalds now and then (once a year at most if I can help it) and I am not going to worry about that. I think its about balance, eating healthy as much as you can, and trying new things. I would put these on my top five and I follow the same guidlines. Enjoy!

mommy, why are you so hungry?

Dutch had his first real cold this weekend. I am definately impressed that it didnt happen until he was one. It is still there a bit but so much better. He is now in good spirits thanks to baby vicks, his new humidifier, some kids tylenol, some hylands homeopathic drops, apple juice, water and cheerios. Dont judge.
I am a good mom. I am learning as I go and I realize after you become a mom, the person you were before is magnified. I think that is why I got PPD because I probably was a bit depressed before Dutch was born without realizing it. I have always been extremely sensitive and emotional. Can you imagine how that is mama magnified? BIG TIME.
It is so hard to watch your kids get sick. Especially for the first time when you feel unfarmilar and extremely cautious. I do panic and I do overreact. I did that with this cold.
I was so worried that Chad and I were not paying close enough attention. I called Chads work and actually said we need to take him to urgent care stat. Why? Because he was sick! Obviously!
Before my pregnancy I was definately an emotional eater. I have conquered that issue from my life, thank GOD. Its so annoying! I was very aware of myself this weekend and as soon as I started to feel exhausted from taking care of Dutch in sick mode, I just wanted to eat and eat. I didnt. But I did realize it was there. I just wanted some relief. Some nice hot fudge sundae that makes me feel sweet and nice and takes me to another place of peace where everyone is healthy for two minutes. Luckily I dont keep this sort of food in the house and there is no way any of the foods in our house could give me the same relief. Also luckily we dont have the money for me to go to the store and buy any extra treats.
It is so hard to see your baby suffer, even if you know it is just the common cold. He is usually so happy and fun all of the day. He was sad, scared, irritated, did not sleep well (made me appreciate his amazing sleeping skills)and all I could do was love him and comfort him. I tell myself he is fine but I still dont always trust my judgement 100%. I know part of my mom journey is to trust myself. I do think I am intuitive and make good decisions when I dont panic. Alas, I called Chad's work and he came home an hour early just because I needed him. I was the mom on the phone that said, " this is an emergency!" Chad is so calm and logical. I am so dramatic and obsessive. This is the way I am and I am still a good person. I still love myself and know I am a good mom. So I obsess....okay. Not always a bad thing.
Dutch is such a healthy little boy, of corse when he is sick, I realize how much I appreciate everyone's health. I realize that when I am "bored" during some of my time with Dutch ( I am sorry, its only once in awhile I swear), I could be apprecaiting our health and peace.
Life and motherhood is alot of ups and downs for me. Its hard to know what other mom's lives are like. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that is scared at times or that feels like I dont know what the hell I am doing. I am learning that is okay. Even if every other mom in America is Mother of the Year, it is still okay for me to be my obsessive, overly cautious, emotional, paranoid, incredibly loving self.