living

I wake up smiling
My body feels healthy and strong
I take a deep breath
Looking forward to today
this is me now
it doesnt matter where I have been or who I was before
all I can do is honor the me NOW
I believe in myself
I am proud of my ideas and decisions
I respect myself
I feel good living inside of me
this is what my normal should have always been
but
it took me awhile to get here
smile
that is okay
THIS
this
is living and it feels really good

creating the moments

I was neurotic mom this weekend. We went to Chad's work party which was a summer bbq type party. Outside, on the water (no fence), boats, hazards, not baby proof, danger. I was a crazy person chasing my son. I could actually feel Chad's co workers thinking I was psycho, in a nice way of corse. The party was SO FUN, I was actually have fun myself but at the same time I could feel how crazy I was. I was chasing Dutch around EVERY WHERE, picking him up so he would not jump into the water, only to have him squirm to get down. He was having the time of his life, digging in the dirt, almost falling and hitting his head on the huge rock where he was digging. Me-freak out mode. I went right for that white wine and Chad kept asking me if I was okay and he had that look of, "are you losing your shit?!" on his face. Funny thing is, I was enjoying myself. I was watching so many firsts for Dutch. His first boat ride in which he had a blast! Its so cool to watch him conquer his own fears. Loud motor-he was not sure about that, second time we went super fast and got the loud motor, he was cracking up!
By the end of the day we were all exhausted but it really was such an awesomely fun party. I started to realize I am creating the moments you only see in pictures. I have so many pictures of my own mom and I dont remember that love or what that moment felt like with her. I am living them now. I am that mom in the photo full of love for her child. Just knowing that is allowing me to realize and feel how much she loved me and my brother. Just like that. So although I was neurotic mom and the day went by so fast, I am confident yesterday was one of the best days of my life. I really want to make everyday one of those, even if part of that day I am chasing Dutch, throwing around a few F bombs under my breath as he tries to run away during diaper change, or when I just feel like I am losing my cool- THAT day, can still be one of the best if I just allow it to be. Thanks again, Dutch, for allowing me to feel the love of a mother. Amazing.

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Comparrison. Is it ever really a good thing? I am game for friendly competition when it motivates me or lights a fire under my ass in a good way. Lately though, I have been comparing my own body to other bodies. Is this needed? No. It seems to happen without my control. The day starts out normal, wake up, feel good, proud of how sore I am from my workouts, eat a healthy breakfast, head out of the house-ready to feel awesome. Then I see some chick with lean muscles, a nice tan, probably a six pack somewhere and a little piece of me freaks out. I start to pick apart my own body, analyze my body fat percentage, worry that I eat too much, wonder how long it would take me to look like them, exactly. Does this sound crazy? It should, because although I am thinking these things, at the same time, I know perfectly well that these thoughts are totally bullshit crazy. Its like I cant help it, the thoughts start to snowball and my confidence takes a backseat for atleast a few minutes. I have really been paying attention to when this happens and focusing on talking myself back into reality. I owe it to myself to let these negative thoughts go. I guess its all just fear. Fear of what? Not really sure, I guess being totally and completey comfortable with who I am. Can I live in that comfort? I really think I can. It is going to take some effort to send love to myself whenever I feel doubt. Send love and appreciation to all the hard bodies out there that I start to envy. My son Dutch is a constant reminder to get real. My body made him, for the love of GOD. I need and want to radiate self love in his honor. I notice when I do feel good about myself and value who I am no matter what that is, I feel empowered. When I love me, no matter what is going on with someone else, I remain happy. I think its wierd that the natural tendency for women is to be so self punishing, even if its a small thought. I work with some amazing teenage girls and it reminds me so much of the struggles I had when I was in my teens. Self love was pretty much non existant from the age of 16-26 for me. That is ten years of negative thinking to recalibrate and it is defnately feeling like a whole new view on life. I think all women struggle with insecurities. How can they not when everywhere they look are supermodels, reality tv stars, magazines and diet pills. I want every woman to realize they are beautiful, good enough and its okay if there are other people out there that have the hot looks. There is enough beauty, love and happiness to go around. I want to remind myself to admire other women and remain confident no matter who is around me. No matter who you are, you are good enough. Always. High five sisters.