Dear Body,
I am writing because I want to say thank you. You are there for me everyday, ready to walk, sit, bend, twist, exercise, stand, hold my baby, hug my husband, etc. I know I take you for granted at times and I know I can be mean and I am really sorry about that. I do love you and I do appreciate everything you do for me. Took us a long time to get here but I really think we understand and appreciate eachother now more than ever.
You are so cool looking and so incredibly unique. There is no one else with my body and I need to appreciate your uniqueness more-- not let the TV goblins mess with my mind. There are some crazy awesome bodies on tv but it really doesnt have anything to do with us. You are still special to me, no matter what anyone else looks like. I dont need or want to compare you to anyone else and I vow to let that go. It is getting easier and easier as I get older and wiser. I dont know why people are afraid of old age, I personally, think its so helpful. I hope you are on board to grow old gracefully with me. I am thinking we are going to rock this joint until we are like.......atleast 100.
Thank you for giving birth to my son and keeping me healthy and strong through labor and delivery. You rocked during labor, let me tell you. Mentally I was a mess, but you, Body, you kicked ass. (I hope you liked the narcotic and the epidural, by the way. They were a nice touch for all parties involved if you ask me)
I really need to apologize for 1995-about 2007. I sure did party alot and I know I put you through the ringer. Atleast I have always been a water drinker, but I am very sorry about those years and hope you enjoyed it, atleast a little bit. I would use the phrase "its all part of growing up," but, I think I took that adventure a little too far alot of nights (and days).
I have learned alot about you over the years, Body. You love exercise but not an obsessive amount. You LOVE yoga and not always the heated kind. You really dont like gluten and dairy at this point, which is hard for me at times, but I understand, and know its important I honor that. You are the most happy when I listen to you and choose foods that will make you function at your peak. I am putting it all out there so I will apologize for the chocolate attack yesterday. You didnt deserve that and I will tell my emotions to chill out next time rather than giving in to their mood swings.
Not only do you love good foods and exercise but you really love to relax, which I appreciate. I will make more of an effort to pamper you. You work so hard every day and I really do push you to your limits. If I feel you needing a hot bath or a massage, I will make the time for those things. I hope you have noticed I have been meditating more. I struggle with that but it does feel good to just BE and to take a break from my monkey mind and detach from you for 5-20minutes.
Thank you so much for being my Body. I love you and I will continue to honor you the best that I can. Please continue communicating with me and I promise to listen. I love you.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
My baby is almost one..........
My son turns one in eight days. I realize his life is going to flash before my eyes. It is amazing how intense my fear was the first few months of his life. I enjoy him so much and I cant imagine my life without him. Personally there are alot of reasons I was afraid to become a mother. My own mom passed away when I was seven and I dont think that grief will ever fully go away. I know people put moms on pedastols but let me tell ya, when yours dies early, her pedastole is so high- its in the clouds. I am so honored to have taken the role as Dutch's mom and I dont think those words will ever lose their charm. Okay maybe when he becomes a teenager, but for now, they are music to my ears.
Seeing Dutch at the age of one definately changes my perspective on my own parents. I understand they always did the best they could, living in their own worlds and using their own experiences to make decisions.
I hope Dutch grows up loving me. I hope he loves me half as much as I love him. I day dream about what he will be like as he gets older. He is already so.........Dutch. He does not like to be held down ie, diaper change (tears), changing his clothes (tears), buckling him the carseat (holy moly, watch out). He LOVES to be thrown through the air. If someone is tossing him around, pushing him into pillows, anything that involves being crazy active, he loves it. He has developed a frown he likes to wear about 50% of his day. Where the heck did that come from? He loves to check out other kids and can be a very serious little boy. He has a fascination with Elmo, but how can you blame him? Elmo is pretty rad.
I am fascinated by Dutch and am so appreciative to have the priveledge of loving him. I want to be a mom that he looks up to. I want to have my own passions and ideas that he thinks are so cool. I want to share my life with him and let him share his with me. I want to be a mom that honors his ideas and ways of thinking and I will always be his number one cheerleader no matter what. I always want to support him even if I dont understand where he is coming from.
At times it can be hard to seperate myself from my baby. I do things like go to work, exercise, and practice yoga, which take time away from him. At the same time, those things feed my own soul and I never want to neglect my own passions for life.
The first year of Dutch's life has taught me so much about who I really want to be. Who do I want him to see when he looks at his mother? Bottom line, I want him to know I love him more than anything in this universe and will do so forever. Thank you baby and happy birthday!
Seeing Dutch at the age of one definately changes my perspective on my own parents. I understand they always did the best they could, living in their own worlds and using their own experiences to make decisions.
I hope Dutch grows up loving me. I hope he loves me half as much as I love him. I day dream about what he will be like as he gets older. He is already so.........Dutch. He does not like to be held down ie, diaper change (tears), changing his clothes (tears), buckling him the carseat (holy moly, watch out). He LOVES to be thrown through the air. If someone is tossing him around, pushing him into pillows, anything that involves being crazy active, he loves it. He has developed a frown he likes to wear about 50% of his day. Where the heck did that come from? He loves to check out other kids and can be a very serious little boy. He has a fascination with Elmo, but how can you blame him? Elmo is pretty rad.
I am fascinated by Dutch and am so appreciative to have the priveledge of loving him. I want to be a mom that he looks up to. I want to have my own passions and ideas that he thinks are so cool. I want to share my life with him and let him share his with me. I want to be a mom that honors his ideas and ways of thinking and I will always be his number one cheerleader no matter what. I always want to support him even if I dont understand where he is coming from.
At times it can be hard to seperate myself from my baby. I do things like go to work, exercise, and practice yoga, which take time away from him. At the same time, those things feed my own soul and I never want to neglect my own passions for life.
The first year of Dutch's life has taught me so much about who I really want to be. Who do I want him to see when he looks at his mother? Bottom line, I want him to know I love him more than anything in this universe and will do so forever. Thank you baby and happy birthday!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
No one told me babies got sick!
Dutch was sick for the very first time in his entire life last night. It all started after his afternoon nap. He went down at 3pm exhausted and at 5pm, I went up there to wake him up. He was happy to see me, jumped up with energy.......then I noticed the orange barf..........everywhere. All over his bed, his blankie, his pj's and his body. My baby smelled like puke! How could this be? My baby has never been sick! He was acting normal, I thought it was a fluke. Too many sweet potatoes maybe? Until the barf didnt stop. It was an unexpected feeling to feel totally helpless while my poor baby is having a barf attack! The odd thing is, he was smiling and happy in between barf sessions while I was FREAKING OUT. I was trying to remain calm so that Dutch was not scared but I did not realize this was part of the mom job description! I thought kids got sick after like.....age 5 or something. Babies are pure positive love! How could they get sick?!
The worst part for me was the look of fear and confusion on his face when he was getting sick. MOMMY HEART BREAK!
Chad was at his friends for the amazing Seahawks game. I might have gone a little overboard when I called and said, "CHAD, OUR SON IS SICK, GET HOME NOW WE NEED TO GO TO THE EMEGENCY ROOM."
By the time Chad got home Dutch was smiling and laughing and playing in the bath. Chad started laughing and was relieved that I was being a little dramatic. The whole time this was going on I could feel the struggle inside my mind. Part of me wanted to panic and scream SOMEONE HELP MY BABY! I couldnt help but realize Dutch was totally fine and having a grand ole time in between his pukies.
I called in all the experts. Chads mom, my parents and my little sister.
My dad was the first to get to respond.
The call went something like this, "DAD, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A BABY PUKES?!"
my dad started laughing and said, "you clean it up."
He was right. I learned that Dutch can handle being sick and that the best thing for me to do in any situation is to remain calm for my baby. I did check on him multiple times in the night and I kept forcing the pedialyte down his throat (we called a nurse of corse) and continued to overreact and freak out about what we were supposed to do but there was a little helpful voice in the back of my mind saying RELAX.......he is okay. BREATHE.
Chad is such a good balance of energy for us. He was calm, kind and just there to catch Dutchie's barf when he was throwing up. He cleaned up and I think having him there calmed me down because he was not freakin. This was very awesome and reminded me Chad is such a good dad. I can give him such a hard time for watching sports all day or laying on his ass for whatever reason (I think its called relaxation but for husbands, its called lazy)
Dutch was only sick for about 5 hours. I know there are going to be worse sick days in our future and that it is something that comes with the territory. I really need to learn to relax, just go with what feels right to me and listen to Dutch's cue's on what he needs.
I think I go to the land of what if's in situations like this.
What if he is really sick and we dont do the right thing and something really bad happens?!
Keep in mind he was laughing and smiling during this sickness, CUE
What if he needs an operation or medicine and we are just sitting here watching Blade Runner? (chad had the remote)
Keep in mind Dutch had no fever, temp or any sort of symptoms that require an operation. CUE
What if I mess this up and hurt my baby?!
I need to learn to be confident in my mom skills and trust my instints. Take a step back and listen to my gut. CUE
He is now upstairs napping and although he has an appetite for liquids, he has not wanted to eat anything. I need to take this time to do my workout-take a shower-and be ready for whatever happens when this boy wakes up.
The worst part for me was the look of fear and confusion on his face when he was getting sick. MOMMY HEART BREAK!
Chad was at his friends for the amazing Seahawks game. I might have gone a little overboard when I called and said, "CHAD, OUR SON IS SICK, GET HOME NOW WE NEED TO GO TO THE EMEGENCY ROOM."
By the time Chad got home Dutch was smiling and laughing and playing in the bath. Chad started laughing and was relieved that I was being a little dramatic. The whole time this was going on I could feel the struggle inside my mind. Part of me wanted to panic and scream SOMEONE HELP MY BABY! I couldnt help but realize Dutch was totally fine and having a grand ole time in between his pukies.
I called in all the experts. Chads mom, my parents and my little sister.
My dad was the first to get to respond.
The call went something like this, "DAD, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A BABY PUKES?!"
my dad started laughing and said, "you clean it up."
He was right. I learned that Dutch can handle being sick and that the best thing for me to do in any situation is to remain calm for my baby. I did check on him multiple times in the night and I kept forcing the pedialyte down his throat (we called a nurse of corse) and continued to overreact and freak out about what we were supposed to do but there was a little helpful voice in the back of my mind saying RELAX.......he is okay. BREATHE.
Chad is such a good balance of energy for us. He was calm, kind and just there to catch Dutchie's barf when he was throwing up. He cleaned up and I think having him there calmed me down because he was not freakin. This was very awesome and reminded me Chad is such a good dad. I can give him such a hard time for watching sports all day or laying on his ass for whatever reason (I think its called relaxation but for husbands, its called lazy)
Dutch was only sick for about 5 hours. I know there are going to be worse sick days in our future and that it is something that comes with the territory. I really need to learn to relax, just go with what feels right to me and listen to Dutch's cue's on what he needs.
I think I go to the land of what if's in situations like this.
What if he is really sick and we dont do the right thing and something really bad happens?!
Keep in mind he was laughing and smiling during this sickness, CUE
What if he needs an operation or medicine and we are just sitting here watching Blade Runner? (chad had the remote)
Keep in mind Dutch had no fever, temp or any sort of symptoms that require an operation. CUE
What if I mess this up and hurt my baby?!
I need to learn to be confident in my mom skills and trust my instints. Take a step back and listen to my gut. CUE
He is now upstairs napping and although he has an appetite for liquids, he has not wanted to eat anything. I need to take this time to do my workout-take a shower-and be ready for whatever happens when this boy wakes up.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Do I want another one?
If you would have asked me this a month ago, the answer would have been HELL NO. No offense to Dutch or any other babies out there but the first year has been a pretty intense exploration of who I am. Becoming a mom has been an amazing, overwhelming and exhausting adventure. I guess the more I think about life and what I want from it, the more I realize that includes more kids. I asked myself a few questions.....
What is the most important thing in my life? My family, mainly Dutch (sorry chad, you are a close second, just being honest)
Who has been the greatest teacher? Dutch
Am I a good mother? HEC YES!
Do I want to see Dutch have a sibling? after he is potty trained, YES!
I think the reason I want another one is because it will prove to myself how much I have grown (besides the obvious reasons of having more kids, like love and all that). PPD doesnt have to own me for the rest of my life. It is something that has taught me about letting go and coming into myself. I feel that if I have another, I will be able to embrace that experience. Will it be a tough adjustment? I am not sure. It might be scary and difficult and life altering. But I really do think it is all worth it in the end. Kids are so amazing and so much fun.
If and when we have another, it will be a whole new experience. I know every baby is different and naturally this would be a whole different unique person.
People always talk about the amnesia moms get about how painful delivery is and all that. I know giving birth was not a walk in the park but I do know my fear of it was so much greater than the actual act itself. I was terrified! I remember crying because I didnt want to push. My mother in law said, "Get over it and do this for your baby!" That was the start of the rest of my life. I think moms have a motto, which is, "Get over it and do this for your baby." That is what makes kids so special. :) Giving birth was the most amazing, powerful, AWESOME experience of my life. I realized how strong I was, how brave I was and that I could push (literally) through fear. My entire family came together (they all watched Dutch pop out, not planned) for Dutch's birth. I have such incredible support in my life and I need to remember to appreciate that every day.
On a scale of most difficult I would rate it as follows
Being a mom-CRAZY HARD!
Breastfeeding-ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I LASTED TWO WEEKS.........
Giving birth- whatever
Being prego- walk in the park compared to being a mom
If you ask me, I loved being pregnant. If you ask anyone I worked with, my family, I was a fantastic pregnant lady. If you asked my husband, he would say "SHE WAS A NIGHTMARE!" Unfortunately Chad always got the worst of it, probably because he is the one person in this world who I show my nitty gritty to. There were times I loved being pregnant and times (like the last 30 days) that I struggled.
I am excited to see what the next experience is like. Props to all moms who have a second baby before the first one is potty trained. I plan to wait until Dutch is old enough to "help" mommy. I want to be able to say, "Dutch, mommy is tired. Can you go do the dishes and walk Vader? Oh ya, whip me up a latte while you are at it." Okay-maybe not that long but kids can do that at four, cant they?
wait, did I just say I am having a girl? man, I need to slow down.
What is the most important thing in my life? My family, mainly Dutch (sorry chad, you are a close second, just being honest)
Who has been the greatest teacher? Dutch
Am I a good mother? HEC YES!
Do I want to see Dutch have a sibling? after he is potty trained, YES!
I think the reason I want another one is because it will prove to myself how much I have grown (besides the obvious reasons of having more kids, like love and all that). PPD doesnt have to own me for the rest of my life. It is something that has taught me about letting go and coming into myself. I feel that if I have another, I will be able to embrace that experience. Will it be a tough adjustment? I am not sure. It might be scary and difficult and life altering. But I really do think it is all worth it in the end. Kids are so amazing and so much fun.
If and when we have another, it will be a whole new experience. I know every baby is different and naturally this would be a whole different unique person.
People always talk about the amnesia moms get about how painful delivery is and all that. I know giving birth was not a walk in the park but I do know my fear of it was so much greater than the actual act itself. I was terrified! I remember crying because I didnt want to push. My mother in law said, "Get over it and do this for your baby!" That was the start of the rest of my life. I think moms have a motto, which is, "Get over it and do this for your baby." That is what makes kids so special. :) Giving birth was the most amazing, powerful, AWESOME experience of my life. I realized how strong I was, how brave I was and that I could push (literally) through fear. My entire family came together (they all watched Dutch pop out, not planned) for Dutch's birth. I have such incredible support in my life and I need to remember to appreciate that every day.
On a scale of most difficult I would rate it as follows
Being a mom-CRAZY HARD!
Breastfeeding-ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I LASTED TWO WEEKS.........
Giving birth- whatever
Being prego- walk in the park compared to being a mom
If you ask me, I loved being pregnant. If you ask anyone I worked with, my family, I was a fantastic pregnant lady. If you asked my husband, he would say "SHE WAS A NIGHTMARE!" Unfortunately Chad always got the worst of it, probably because he is the one person in this world who I show my nitty gritty to. There were times I loved being pregnant and times (like the last 30 days) that I struggled.
I am excited to see what the next experience is like. Props to all moms who have a second baby before the first one is potty trained. I plan to wait until Dutch is old enough to "help" mommy. I want to be able to say, "Dutch, mommy is tired. Can you go do the dishes and walk Vader? Oh ya, whip me up a latte while you are at it." Okay-maybe not that long but kids can do that at four, cant they?
wait, did I just say I am having a girl? man, I need to slow down.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Letting Go of FEAR
Dutch is 11 months now and time has flown by! I realize more and more each day that I need to enjoy him at this stage, no matter how tough it may seem. Pretty soon he will be all grown up and I will want my baby back! He has started sleeping in until 8:30AM! He goes to bed around 7 or 7:30pm and sleeps for 13 hours! I have an amazing kid, right?! Well, I get up and do my workout at 5am then get ready for work. I leave the house around 7:40am. With his new sleep in time, I dont get to see him before I go to work. This really doesnt have to be a big deal but I find that when I get home from work I feel so excited to see him! I just want to play and play and play and not put him to bed. My yoga class that I really wanted to go to was at 7:45pm last night. I had a late meeting at work so I didnt get home until 5:30pm. That only gave me two hours! I felt the guilt creep in. Chad-the hubs- who is a fantastic dad, wanted me to put him to bed before I left for class. I had such an internal battle whether or not I should skip yoga. In my ideal world, Chad would stay up and play with Dutch because I would have felt better about it. Why dont husands have some remote control so you can make them do what you want!?
My brain said Casey-how can you put him to bed early so you can go to YOGA! HOW SELFISH
Then my brain said Casey-OM!!!!!!!!!!! cant you feel the relaxation and rejuvination waiting for you!?
I realize when I start to get the unnecesary guilt, I start to doubt my instincts. I worried that he was not tired at 7:20pm and I was putting him to bed so I could selfishly go to yoga. I am still not sure if that is actually what happened, it might have been!
All I know is, Dutch was safe and sound screaming in his bed when I left for class. He was not hurt, he was not sufferring (maybe throwing a little tantrum) and I was really glad I made the choice to go to class. It was ONE DAY out of seven that I was home late and only got two hours of Dutch time. We all survived.
I am pretty confident this will happen again but next time I am hoping it can be a little different. I have been working on a technique I learned in my old weight watcher days which is reframing. What would I have done differently next time? I would have let go of the guilt and worry because I had made my choice. I went to class, I put Dutch to bed. I realize the worry and the wondering if he was not tired did not help me at all. It made me feel not good, actually.
I am continueing to learn to let go and have fun and Dutch is my best teacher. I cant wait to see him tonight!
My brain said Casey-how can you put him to bed early so you can go to YOGA! HOW SELFISH
Then my brain said Casey-OM!!!!!!!!!!! cant you feel the relaxation and rejuvination waiting for you!?
I realize when I start to get the unnecesary guilt, I start to doubt my instincts. I worried that he was not tired at 7:20pm and I was putting him to bed so I could selfishly go to yoga. I am still not sure if that is actually what happened, it might have been!
All I know is, Dutch was safe and sound screaming in his bed when I left for class. He was not hurt, he was not sufferring (maybe throwing a little tantrum) and I was really glad I made the choice to go to class. It was ONE DAY out of seven that I was home late and only got two hours of Dutch time. We all survived.
I am pretty confident this will happen again but next time I am hoping it can be a little different. I have been working on a technique I learned in my old weight watcher days which is reframing. What would I have done differently next time? I would have let go of the guilt and worry because I had made my choice. I went to class, I put Dutch to bed. I realize the worry and the wondering if he was not tired did not help me at all. It made me feel not good, actually.
I am continueing to learn to let go and have fun and Dutch is my best teacher. I cant wait to see him tonight!
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