Learnin to Fly

There have been a few events this month that have left me feeling proud, honored, excited, motivated and happy. Today was one of those days. We had our first Charity Ride at Fly to raise money for Charity Water. We took the bikes outside for the first time, over to the hotel across the way. There were volunteers, donated coffee and pastries, an amazing DJ to spin during our ride and we raised over $2000!!! It was just......pure awesome. I have been teaching cycling for a little over 6 months and it has become my favorite class ever. There really is something magical about teaching that class. I think because for me, that is one of the few places I can really LET GO. I ride that bike and feel so connected to my body and the music. I can clear my mind, forgive myself for anything, feel strong and powerful, feel emotions that I need to feel. Today, I taught a class way out of my comfort zone. I had a mic for the first time, we were outside on the waterfront, it was a big event. I was so nervous but oh so excited. I am just proud of myself for today... I put that mic on and just felt good. The music was bumpin, the class was pumped up, the vibe was one of a kind. There was a breeze that kept coming through the tent and every time it did, I thought of my mom. There is a poem she wrote before she died and it says, "the breeze on your cheek is me." That wind would come through our tent and I knew without a doubt that she was there. She was probably sayin, "you go girl!"

It doesnt matter where I teach or how big the event is, I instantly try to find a connection to each person in the class because that is what matters. That connection is why I teach. The energy that a positive, hard working group can create is so unique and powerful. I felt it so strong today. As I was teaching this morning I really took it all in. 6 months ago I was afraid to get on a teacher's bike. I remember driving to the YMCA, telling myself that no matter what happened, I would be okay. I remember how terrified I was, I almost didn't go. I remember the first time I taught at Fly and Traci threw me up on the bike. She asked me if I was ready and I am sure I said "oh ya, totally ready." but on the inside I was dying. Scared out of my brain! The thing that I am most proud of is that I knew I wanted to do this. I knew I loved fitness and people and feeling healthy. I pushed past all of the fear and here I am today, feeling so comfortable teaching it feels like second nature.
I have had quite a few people tell me that this is my "year to soar." This is my year to find myself and really find my happiness. Each time I take a risk or step out of my comfort zone, I feel myself soar.
Today was so validating. It felt so good to know I am in the right place, for the first time in my life I don't feel lost.

living

I wake up smiling
My body feels healthy and strong
I take a deep breath
Looking forward to today
this is me now
it doesnt matter where I have been or who I was before
all I can do is honor the me NOW
I believe in myself
I am proud of my ideas and decisions
I respect myself
I feel good living inside of me
this is what my normal should have always been
but
it took me awhile to get here
smile
that is okay
THIS
this
is living and it feels really good

creating the moments

I was neurotic mom this weekend. We went to Chad's work party which was a summer bbq type party. Outside, on the water (no fence), boats, hazards, not baby proof, danger. I was a crazy person chasing my son. I could actually feel Chad's co workers thinking I was psycho, in a nice way of corse. The party was SO FUN, I was actually have fun myself but at the same time I could feel how crazy I was. I was chasing Dutch around EVERY WHERE, picking him up so he would not jump into the water, only to have him squirm to get down. He was having the time of his life, digging in the dirt, almost falling and hitting his head on the huge rock where he was digging. Me-freak out mode. I went right for that white wine and Chad kept asking me if I was okay and he had that look of, "are you losing your shit?!" on his face. Funny thing is, I was enjoying myself. I was watching so many firsts for Dutch. His first boat ride in which he had a blast! Its so cool to watch him conquer his own fears. Loud motor-he was not sure about that, second time we went super fast and got the loud motor, he was cracking up!
By the end of the day we were all exhausted but it really was such an awesomely fun party. I started to realize I am creating the moments you only see in pictures. I have so many pictures of my own mom and I dont remember that love or what that moment felt like with her. I am living them now. I am that mom in the photo full of love for her child. Just knowing that is allowing me to realize and feel how much she loved me and my brother. Just like that. So although I was neurotic mom and the day went by so fast, I am confident yesterday was one of the best days of my life. I really want to make everyday one of those, even if part of that day I am chasing Dutch, throwing around a few F bombs under my breath as he tries to run away during diaper change, or when I just feel like I am losing my cool- THAT day, can still be one of the best if I just allow it to be. Thanks again, Dutch, for allowing me to feel the love of a mother. Amazing.

share the love

Comparrison. Is it ever really a good thing? I am game for friendly competition when it motivates me or lights a fire under my ass in a good way. Lately though, I have been comparing my own body to other bodies. Is this needed? No. It seems to happen without my control. The day starts out normal, wake up, feel good, proud of how sore I am from my workouts, eat a healthy breakfast, head out of the house-ready to feel awesome. Then I see some chick with lean muscles, a nice tan, probably a six pack somewhere and a little piece of me freaks out. I start to pick apart my own body, analyze my body fat percentage, worry that I eat too much, wonder how long it would take me to look like them, exactly. Does this sound crazy? It should, because although I am thinking these things, at the same time, I know perfectly well that these thoughts are totally bullshit crazy. Its like I cant help it, the thoughts start to snowball and my confidence takes a backseat for atleast a few minutes. I have really been paying attention to when this happens and focusing on talking myself back into reality. I owe it to myself to let these negative thoughts go. I guess its all just fear. Fear of what? Not really sure, I guess being totally and completey comfortable with who I am. Can I live in that comfort? I really think I can. It is going to take some effort to send love to myself whenever I feel doubt. Send love and appreciation to all the hard bodies out there that I start to envy. My son Dutch is a constant reminder to get real. My body made him, for the love of GOD. I need and want to radiate self love in his honor. I notice when I do feel good about myself and value who I am no matter what that is, I feel empowered. When I love me, no matter what is going on with someone else, I remain happy. I think its wierd that the natural tendency for women is to be so self punishing, even if its a small thought. I work with some amazing teenage girls and it reminds me so much of the struggles I had when I was in my teens. Self love was pretty much non existant from the age of 16-26 for me. That is ten years of negative thinking to recalibrate and it is defnately feeling like a whole new view on life. I think all women struggle with insecurities. How can they not when everywhere they look are supermodels, reality tv stars, magazines and diet pills. I want every woman to realize they are beautiful, good enough and its okay if there are other people out there that have the hot looks. There is enough beauty, love and happiness to go around. I want to remind myself to admire other women and remain confident no matter who is around me. No matter who you are, you are good enough. Always. High five sisters.

another battle with the scale...dont worry, I win

I have felt myself dipping into the land of the oh so judgemental in the last two weeks and I dont like it. I know it all started because I got onto a scale. Why did I do it? I dont know....peer pressure I guess. Anyways it happened. Here I was, minding my own buisness, loving myself, feeling amazing in my own body.......then I got on a scale and the number seemed to scream at me, "YOU HEFFER!" I instantly stepped off the thing and felt like a different person. Where did that fun loving, I feel so good, chick go? I need her back! All of a sudden the tiny piece of me that feels insecure came out to play. Lets give her a name, shall we? How about CRASEY. I like it. Okay, so CRASEY decided she was fat because of some stupid number.
How much sense does that make? REALLY!? Why do women want to "weigh" less? To feel beautiful and healthy. Okay, I got it. So tell me how I was feeling beautiful and healthy and then all of a sudden, it changed. hmmm. Although I can rationalize this in my mind, the week just kept filling up with insecurities. I started to look at all of the women I was with and all of a sudden I was comparing myself to them. Wow, I am the biggest one in this room. Comparing, weighing, television, plastic surgery, to me it all adds to the pressure that I felt. Luckily I mentioned something to my husband and told him a little bit about what I was feeling. He looked at me and said, "Casey, you are an amazon goddess and I love your body." HE SAID THOSE WORDS. HE CALLED ME AMAZON! I laughed so hard and that little sentence just led me right back to feeling good again. I know that nothing matters other than what is in my heart and I love myself. Its confusing to be a 33 year old woman and not want to lose weight. I have wanted to lose weight my entire adult life until last year. I am still adjusting to the self love and I need to accept that little slips are just reminders that its all good and that I have grown so much as a person. I encourage all of you women out there, of all shapes and sizes to look in the mirror and say I love you. Not kidding. DO IT because you really deserve it. Its okay not to be a size 2, its okay to take care of your body, to eat healthy and exercise and be okay with whatever size that is. This blog post is a reminder to myself and I am going to find a mirror now :).

Finding my passion....one bead of sweat at a time

I got to the YMCA last night and was excited to teach class. It is so interesting how I was so afraid to even attempt to teach and now I am finding myself so ready to fill up my classes! I feel as if I am stepping into my own power at the ripe ole age of 33. I now know the meaning of passion and I am ready to continue learning about my own. I have heard people talk about loving their job and I could never really comprehend what that felt like. I have liked jobs but nothing that made me so excited to go to "work", so in love with what I was doing that the money didnt matter, so high on life after I am done with my "work" it makes me a happier person. If I would have held onto my fear of teaching and never taken this step, I would have never known these feelings and let me tell you.........they are delicious!
My new favorite day of the week is Sunday when I teach at Fly Fitness. The studio is just gorgeous and the people who workout and teach there are all so hard working and so fun!
Although I still get nervous to teach, I have so much more confidence because I have gotten to a place where I have proven my own strength to myself. I had to give myself permission to fail before this all started. I would drive to teach a class and I would be SO FREAKED that I would calmly tell myself, "Casey, it doesnt matter what happens here. All I need you to do is have fun. That is it. If you suck, you suck. Its okay." That personal conversation really helped me to go for it. I have found that I love motivating people so much that teaching cycling has become a dream come true. I love teaching because it allows me to push people beyond what they think they are capable of. I am there to help guide people through an intense experience of strength, power and balancing all of their energies. Teaching Cycling is not just teaching Cycling to me, it is an "experience." I want to help people let go of the negative and realize their own strength! I feel so incredibly proud of myself and that is not something I have ever felt. Not like this. I am someone who is afraid to speak in public. I have always been someone who was afraid of being responsible for leading a group although I always knew I was a leader deep down in my heart. I have never been confident sharing all of my thoughts (even though I do anyways) and when I am with a class I let go of all my doubts. It really is a divine moment when my desire to be a good coach takes over and my fear of what others will think vacates the building. At 33 years old I have given myself permission to LET GO and find my true passion. This is all so exciting! I day dream of teaching more and more classes and being there to coach all different kinds of people. I am so in love with fitness that this is such a good combination for me.
The shift in my energy after I teach a class is so AWESOME! I definately feel recharged, happy, connected and in love with the world!
The reason I am sharing this is because I want everyone in the world to feel this if they want to. I had alot of opportunties to teach before this time and I stepped away from them and made excuses because I was afraid to fail. I am going to make it a point to really slow down and think about what I want. I dont want to let fear stop me from living a life full of awesome. Now that I have experienced pure positive joy to the max, I want more more more!!!! I am so excited to see what happens.

Mission: Make time for ME atleast once a week

I am one of those loony people who believe that our own illnesses or sicknesses are trying to tell us something. I was on my second cold in three weeks when I decided to listen to the message. Okay cold-what is up? why are you here? In the back of my mind I really did think it was a message to slow down but I already knew that one. I know I have alot on my plate and I like it that way. I kept on coughing, sneezing and sounding like Nasal Nancy all the while wondering if I could beat the cold while ignoring the message. I am happy being busy!
Funny thing is, I have been feeling pretty frazzled lately. I really have not been taking much time to just smell the roses and recharge. Doesnt teaching cycling count as my down time? It is so much fun! A little voice in the back of my mind kept saying "meditate". I have been trying to ignore that voice too because sometimes it is like pulling teeth just laying there and centering myself.
I decided to consult the experts. I called inot Marie Manucherhi's radio show to ask for quidance. She is an Energy Worker and her show is one of my fave's. I know you are not judging me right now, right? Okay good. So one of Marie's regular guests, Dr. Sheila Dunn Merrit was one the show. She is a Naturopath and has a practice right here in Bellevue. I began telling them about the cold and they started asking me questions.
What do you think the cold is about? Needing to slow down
What have you done to take a step in that direction? Um.....nothing
Why not? Because I am a control freak and I love to be busy. I worry that my family needs me all the time and if I leave for myself I am totally selfish and not being a good mom.
Is that working out for you? hahaha, no
Would you like to let go of that guilt and that stress? HEC YES!
I realized from that call that I didnt have to meditate every day for an hour to get some down time. I can take Vader for walk and ENJOY it. This weekend I really dedicated some time, even just 20minutes a day to enjoying myself and just slowing down. I walked Vader, read a book, took a nap (so amazing).
I am so not Nasal Nancy anyomre, not kidding you. Even as I talked to them on the radio show I could feel my nose start to breath a little better.
I am sharing this because I think alot of moms can feel guilty about not mom'ing enough. We seem to think we have to do everything all day long or else the sky will fall. I suggest we all try to take that time just for us and recharge. We deserve it and it will make us that much better at the end of the day. I know Chad apprecaited the time he could take with just Dutch. When I did go home I felt happy, rejuvinated, NOT STRESSED and it was so much better. I really did need it and highly recomend it. I double dog dare you!

say NO to diets

If you would have asked me about nutrition two years ago, I would have told you which diet or "guidelines" I was following. There is something about the world we live in that has the power to make women feel they have to be less LB's than they are. I had my "number" that I always strived toward. It was my weight sophomore year of college when I was like 19. Um, hello?! Unrealistic to be teenage weight foreva! Dont ask me how drinking like 12 beers a day and not eating much except for the days when I ate like a whole pizza cuz I was drunk could be the time when my body was super skinny. The key ingredient that I was missing is-- why did I want to be skinny? Just to be skinny? How about to feel good in my own skin? To have a healthy digestive track, to be proud of my healthy body. I dont think that even crossed my mind until I became pregnant. I was MISS WEIGHT WATCHERS, I even started to work for the company after I made "lifetime." The secret I was hiding during that fantastic diet was how I learned to manipulate the system to lose weight and eat completely unhealthy. I would save up points to have a huge, make me sick dessert and use the point system to judge whether I was good or bad. If I lost weight that week I didnt care about how I gave myself a stomach ache like a million times that week. There is nothing about that, that makes sense. Let me tell all of you women out there, YOU ARE ALL GOOD! I am serious. I started reading Geneen Roth's books and could totally relate to the feelings she was describing regarding eating. There are so many things that factor into my new outlook on food and my body but bottom line is I dont have rules. The only rule I have is the rule to eat things that make me feel good. Of corse taste is a factor. Of corse there are moments where I eat something like a big piece of cheesecake and have not the best feeling in my tummy afterwards but I have made a decision that no matter what, I will still love and respect myself.
Ironically I feel better than I ever have in my whole life. I am also 15 lbs. MORE my "number" that I held onto for so many years. I am almost 33 years old and any time I catch myself going into that place of self doubt, I ask myself. How many years of my life am I going to waste worrying about what I look like? At my funeral, will it matter if I was a size 6 or a size whatever? The only thing that matters is feeling happy, feeling like you are worth taking care of yourself. If you dont feel those things, that is okay too. I encourage women to take steps to honor who they are. I cant tell you how many women I talk to have feelings of "not good enough" whether they are skinny or not. Havent you looked at someone with self confidence and thought, DAMN, I want that. I know it can be scary to start to let go of diets but if I can do it, literally anyone can. I NEVER thought I would be someone who didnt always worry about weight and food. I can happily say just by honoring my body and switching the focus from I want to be skinny to I want to be healthy, I was able to live a happier life. I am so glad no one is perfect. Perfect is so so so boring. Dont believe me? Just watch Black Swan.

When the going gets tough......I cry.......then I reflect

It has been one of the those parenting weeks that has brought me back to the newborn stage. I have felt scared, insecure and worried about my baby. At the end of this week it is safe to say my baby is fine, I am the one going nuts.
No one ever told me about separation anxiety. If they did, I did not listen. I heard of the terrible two's and the newborn stage but not the 15 months old and all of a sudden I throw tantrums, go on hunger strikes and cry all the time stage. Here is the deal, ever since Dutch started daycare he has in a nut shell, cried whenever he is around me. He wants me to hold him all the time. Sometimes he wont even stop crying when I am holding him. I have noticed at times I can brave the storm. I can laugh and keep on going and let it all be, even with screaming baby. Other times, I hit my breaking point. I feel angry, trapped and just plain done. This only lasts for a minute or two but it can happen. I even started crying while Dutch was crying which confused both of us. He stopped for a second and was like, hey- I am crying, not you. It actually kind of made me laugh.
I have been praying alot this week trying to get God to work with me.
My prayers go like this:
God-please help Dutch to realize he is safe and loved and I will always be here for him
or
God-seriously? what is the deal, can you work with me here?!
or
God-I cant take this anymore! Cant you just let Dutch see you and do a dance and maybe light up or something so he will be distracted?
I kind of wish I was joking but I am not because that is honestly how it has been going.
I did hit my ultimate wall of stress and I think that has been a good thing. Ever since Friday when I totally lost it, things have almost clicked into perspective. I decided TODAY that things were going to be different. I was going to have a positive happy attitude no matter what Dutch decides to do. I will work on ignoring his cried to help him understand things are okay even if I am not holding him. I have loved getting out and taking breaks which has been huge. Teaching cycling, walking Vader or just going upstairs for a few minutes have made such a difference. Chad has been so great and having all of the crazy of this week has allowed me to see what a great partner he is. He has said the right things and been there when I needed him. When MAMA is not happy, PAPA knows he better be there. Moms-you feel me, right?!
I know the tough times always make the good times shine that much brighter. As a mom, it can be very hard to remember that fact when you hear your baby upset- even if he is just being a diva.
I know when Dutch is older I will wish for this time when he wanted no one other than me. I try to picture that when I am in deep.
As of right now he has been asleep for almost three hours. I really appreciate that, God. :)

BAM! Here is some life in yo face

This week was really really challenging. My family is going through a lot of exciting changes and I was surprised when it all seemed overwhelming. I love change! I love being busy! Why does it seem so stressful all of a sudden?

At the core of all of these things is being a mom. No matter what is happening, Dutch is my first priority. He started daycare this week and he absolutely loved it. I am so so so proud of him. He still cried really hard when I dropped him off and chased after me when I left. Day two I actually hit him with the door when he was running after me. It was a soft tap, dont worry. Oopsie!

While my Dutchie was going through his transition into boyhood, my husband was starting a new job. We were working out the kinks of only having one car while all of this exciting stuff was going on. Throughout this week I have felt so excited but at the same time so overwhelmed and so busy! The Universe decided to add some cold's to the mix just to keep it real.
Chad was the first to get the cold. I thought he was being such a baby but then I got the cold. I was a big baby. Still am.

Today, Dutch's daycare called. As soon as I saw the numbers on the caller ID- I freaked. OMG! Why are they calling me! Is my baby ok? They were very nice and just explained my baby had a fever.
I will be right there! All of a sudden, I did not give a crap about Chad's cold or my cold.

When I picked Dutch up, all of the other stuff just kind of melted away.
I really dont have anything to worry about as long as my boy is okay. I might need to keep that in my back pocket for the next time Starbucks forgets my white mocha in my mocha.

I got home and really thought about the week and all of the things I was worried about.
The house was quiet. Dutch was napping. I felt so peaceful for the first time all week.
Sometimes sucky things can make you appreciate your life.
Being sick makes me realize I need to spend more time appreciating my health.
I really and truly need to wake up everyday and say thank you (for my health, for our home, for my family, for our ONE car, for the day, for my protein shake :)

My on again off again relationship to Hot Yoga just went OFF

I have to give some background because I have a feeling this post can rub some hot yoga lovers the wrong way. I have been practicing hot yoga for about the last 10 years but the last five pretty steadily. There are so many things that drew me into this practice and most are ego based, admitted. Back in the day I loved how hot yoga just kicked my ass. It was tough and for a person who was very hard on herself for a long time, I welcomed the punishing workouts. There is something about it (at some of the studios I have been to) that is either peer pressure or dedication. I really cant tell. I mean a 30 day challenge, what the hell is that?! Its mean! I was a super freak and went for a 60 day challenge. Not healthy!!!! When I find myself worrying if I will get a spot in the front of the class or hoping that the instructor thinks I have good form, the yoga of it all is out the window. Whether the room is hot or cold the yoga is relaxing the mind. Letting go of the ego. I have to give hot yoga credit for getting me into a yoga room and starting my yoga journey. I have since taken non heated classes and different styles of yoga, practiced at different studios and there is a playful peace to many other styles of practice.
Let me explain where all of this is coming from.
Tonight I had one of the hottest and most painful classes I have had in a long time. To me the room felt angry. It was intense, extreme, it was so hot it wasnt about lengthening my body or letting go, it was about survival. I am serious. To top it off I was next to Ms. Hot Yoga herself and she was loving it.
I still have that competitive edge to me and I sometimes struggle with letting myself take breaks. I wonder if I really need it or if I just want it- that whole deal.
There was no choice tonight, it felt like take a break or die. Literally.
After the class was over I literally crawled out of the room. I felt like someone had just hit me over the head with a fever type feeling and it was NOT GOOD.
I realize this doesnt always happen to me after class and maybe I could have had more water, yada yada but something is telling me-Case, you dont have to punish yourself in a yoga class. It just doesnt make sense to me or my body right now.
Currenly I cycle, run, lift weights among other things but those are in my weekly regime. I have such a loving relationship with yoga and I want to find that romance again. I want it to feel good, to strengthen and lengthen. I want to walk out of the room lighter and freer. Not worried that I wont be able to drive home.
So once again I am going to take my yoga journey to another level. I am going to focus on practicing yoga that feeds my soul and body. Amen, Namaste, Holy crap. WHEW!

What happens when you look fear in the face? AWESOMNESS that is what

I have to share what it was like to teach my first spin class. I should have documented this right after it happened but I have been all up in my head about writing for the last few weeks. That is a whole different story for another time (maybe).
I posted awhile ago about being so scared but excited to teach spinning. Teaching has been that thing that I dreamed about. I always hoped I would be a natural, assumed I would kick ass but never actually tried it. Why? I guess whenever I thought about doing rather than fantasizing I had the fear conversation in my head. Casey-you would choke! You should just keep doing what you are doing, why do you always have to have another goal? Cant you just be happy taking other people's classes? Its too stessful, just let it go. So those were my thoughts.
It has gotten to the point in my life when those thoughts dont have as much impact. I am now a mom, I have a new found confidence after creating a person, (yes, I will use this one for the rest of my life)the timing just feels right to tell those negative thoughts to shut up and see what this teaching thing is all about. Maybe I am not so afraid to fail now that I have Dutch, I dont know.
Funny thing is, none of that matters now because I frickin did it! I went for it! I have to share the story because I am so proud of myself.
I have been taking classes at the YMCA Bellevue after my friend, Robyn referred me. She said after reading my blogs she thought I would like the YMCA because it was a non profit, she teaches yoga there and just loves it. She thought they had a mentor program for teaching. Turns out they do and I have been going the last few weeks. I met my mentor, Bill, and he is just awesome. I took one of his classes and it was fun! He played great music and made teaching seem natural.
Bill told me that I should come to his next class early so that I could learn his routine and possibly teach the following week.
I said sure, but in my head had another plan.
I went home and created a class with my own music.
I was so proud of this class. I put some K$sha in there, some Britney, a little Prodigy. This mix was the SHi$, okay. I planned the class and practiced it every night for my little Dutch. We danced to the songs and I basically pretended he was my audience.
I was good. I was also at home in front of my one year old.
Every time I thought of teaching I would get NERVES, major. I have been wanting to teach for years and I was about to do it! The thought was crazy to me.
I decided that thinking about teaching and breathing deep to release the fear and embrace confidence was my plan.
Thought of teaching-total body freak out-breathe it out.
NICE.....oh ya.
I did this everyday for a week.
It came time to meet Bill and I told him the plan.
"I have a proposition for you." I said
"What if I teach class tonight, how about that?" WHAT WAS I DOING?! I was thinking.........you really ready for this?
Bill just said, "ok."
Then I really got excited! This was it!
people started filtering in and saying, hey Bill-you are in the wrong spot.
No problem. I remained calm.
I helped one gal set up her bike and my nerves were gone.well, not totally, but they were overpowered by total excitement. I was so excited to have fun and teach that I let my inner DIVA out! I honestly didnt even know she was in there. She was fierce!
Class started and I was in HEAVEN!
I felt confident, comfortable, and totally at ease. I was SHOCKED!
It was all because I cared more about helping these people have a great class than wasting time worrying about stupid shi$. Excuse my french.
I genuinely cared about each person getting a great workout and having fun.
I was that teacher that was yelling with confidence for them to NOT STOP, TURN IT UP! Not really what the 50 something YMCA crowd was used to but I hope they were entertained if nothing else.
At one point, Bill told me my music was too loud and they needed a break.
AWESOME! I was kicking their ass! They are more community oriented and I am more ass kicking workout oriented but that is totally fine.
I was IN IT, if you know what I mean.
I know its just teaching one spin class but never in my life have I felt such power and such joy. Honestly. I kept telling them I was loving the view from my bike becasue they were working so hard!
I definately had a moment (almost cried, shhh, dont tell) when Journey came on and I saw this one woman just ROCK OUT. She was workin it, pushing herself and OWNING THAT BIKE. So awesome.
After class I had one guy say, "man, I didnt like your music but you had so much energy, it totally didnt matter."
The Journey lady came up to me and gave me a high five.
I felt so happy!
I know technically I have alot of practicing and learning to do but that is fine by me.
I now know I have the passion and the energy to really do this and that is exciting.
I am teaching again this Sunday and the big boss is going to watch me and make sure I am ready to take on Wed nights starting next month.
I made a new routine just for the YMCA crowd. I cant wait to see what they do when I play Bruce Springstein and U2. I still have techno in there but I am willing to compromise.

Yoga, the art of letting go

What is yoga to me? It is not only a physical workout that allows my body to feel strong, healthy, challenged and loved but it is a mental cleansing. I go into the yoga room whether its heated or non heated to clear my mental clutter. Once I enter the room and lay down my mat, I set my intention to clear my thoughts. If there is a mirror I focus on my third eye with such connection, that I often dont pay attention to anything else in the room. It has taken me a few years to find my yoga breath and to really feel that strong connection to myself and let go of the ego that can creep in, especially in hot yoga.
I know how important nutrition and diet can play into my mind and body during class. I have learned many lessons and each class is different. I can honestly say the yoga room is the one place in this world where I really feel connected to my spirit. I know that sounds heavy but its true. Even if the connection is subtle, it is there if I am open to it.
The other night I went to class despite the fact that I ate a LOT of garlic at lunch that day. My breathe reeked, my stomach was bloated and gassy and I was not in the best condition for a class. My husband was like...."you are still going?! Oh man, I feel bad for whoever is next to you!"
Of corse I still went. I figure you dont open your mouth in yoga-I will be fine, no one will even notice. I really wanted some yoga that night.
At this point, I can taste the garlic in my mouth like the clove was hidden in there somehow. It was gnarly and I did not like it at all. I even said out loud before I ate it, "oh man, this is going to be bad but I dont care."
Later-I cared.
As soon as I walk into the "silent" room, a fellow yogi who I know, instantly came up to me and wanted to chat. Um......this is a SILENT room so as you can imagine, I was forced to whisper with him. I was picturing my husbands face on his face waving his finger and laughing hysterically while saying "I feel sorry for whoever is next to you!" Chad would crack up if he knew I was frickin whispering with some dude.
BUT-in this moment I was able to practice the art of letting go. Yoga has this way about it that keeps my spiritual radar wide open. I am aware. Not only of my body and the class, but of my spirit. Just let this go-I heard in my head. Dont worry if he thinks your breath is stanky and now thinks you have hallitosis and possibly are the grossest yogi alive. Why does that matter? It doesnt....let it go.
Whew, letting go felt so liberating. It was not an instant letting go but after a moment or two, I was able to do it. I realize this is a wierd and insignificant story but the letting go lesson is something that can help me throughout my life. If garlic and whispering get me to let go then I will take it!
Yoga is practice, whether its a downward dog pose or the art of letting something ego related go.....its all good and its all practice.
I find my place in the room and lay out my mat and get into dead pose. This is my favorite pose of all time, you just lay there and find inner peace......atleast that is the goal.
The lady next to me starts HACKING! She is obviously recovering from a cold or throat thing and decided she HAD to come to class. Doesnt she realize how selfish she is being?! How could she do this to me! She is so gross! OMG-if she coughs one more time, I am going to be so pissed. Wait........what am I doing? Why am I thinking these awful things about this nice lady who unfortunately has a cough? What if I just let her cough go? What is so different about a cough vs garlic? Someone could have easily thought the same thoughts about me with garlic. Yoga lesson number two, we are all connected and number three-its always all good. Each time I take a class I realize the yoga is not always in the physical postures-but inside the mind during the class.
Could I ignore this lady's cough? Really ignore it and love her anyways? Send her healing energy and love rather than anything else?
I found I could. It was not easy, each time she coughed for the first instant I was irritated but the seconds that followed allowed me to work through it and let it go, love her and feed my own sould with positivity rather than the negativity.
While I was practicing letting go, I was having an amazing yoga class physically. I felt my body going an inch further when I needed to. Slipping more comfortably into standing bird and feeling places to adjust myself. I do think the physical piece is almost like a guide for walking your mind through the other mud. I picture my body holding my mind's hand and saying-"hey, lets walk through this park together."
I have thought about this class the remainder of my week. When something at work is bothering me, I continue to practice the lesson of letting go. It feels so much better than holding on.

I'm too scared!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I might puke. I have an audition to teach cycling on Saturday. My mind is buzzing. I feel so many things all at one time. This can either go very well or I will make an ass of myself. I am filled with excitement and at the same time feel like I shouldnt even go. Who am I kidding?! I have no idea what I am even going to say or do! But I have to atleast give it a shot. I might come away with good feedback. Why is this such a big deal? Can you tell I am all up in my mind about this? Okay......Casey............this is your heart and soul talking. Relax. Breathe. Everything is okay. You are going to give this a shot. You dont need to know the outcome because that doesnt matter right now. What matters is that you are pushing past your fear. You are trying something because you see passion behind it. You know you want to connect with people, help them feel good about themselves. You have good intentions. You have a good heart. You are good enough and you can do this. Peace.........openness. We love you. We will still love you after you do whatever it is you are going to do on that bike on Saturday. Laugh. This is all just for fun, my dear......

A Ride Through Fear

I have wanted to teach in the fitness industry for atleast the last 12 years. Fitness has always been a passion of mine. It is the one place in my life that I feel confident. I start to sweat and get my heart pumping and my veins are filled with life force. Jedi style. I feel pure positive joy when I am working out and I channel my inner Beyonce.
Why have I waited so long to actually follow my passion? FEAR. (false evidence appearing real, thanks Gary Bussey)
I know the only way that I will ever see if my FEAR is real or imaginary is to just go for it. It has taken me 12 years to get the courage to do just that. I think alot of it has to do with getting comfortable with where I am in life. I have a great job in corporate America and I make a good living. My job makes me think of words like stable, safe, comfortable, somewhat boring, "okay", nice. That is all fine and dandy if it weren't for the fact that I want to live a life full of passion. I want to wake up and be absolutely stoked to go to work. I want to help people improve their lives and feel good about themselves. I want to coach and be a cheerleader for people who want that for themselves. The thought of my career surrounding fitness gives me goose bumps. It is my dream.
I am starting to realize it doesnt have to be this dream that I think about from time to time. If I fail, so be it. I think if you have a passion for something, you owe it to yourself to follow it. Of corse there will be times when I make mistakes or feel like I could have given a better class but that is how you learn and become great!
It's time for mama to go for it.
I am happily taking baby steps and started with the Schwinn Cycling Certification through Fly Fitness (www.wearesuperfly.com). I discovered Fly Fitness through a friend of mine who is now the Studio Manager. I have since taken cycling classes at Fly from the studio owner, Traci Barton. She is so warm, friendly and encouraging and the club reflects that energy. It is the type of studio that creates a family/community environment and I instantly wanted to be apart of it. Traci and her crew have found a way to make exercise so intense and also fun! It feels like finding the workout partner you always wanted. The location is amazing, located in Carillon Point-Kirkland. This means it is right near the water and has an amazing view of the mountains. I cant wait until summer when the classes get taken outdoors! I highly recomend anyone and everyone check this studio out!
I took the Cycling Certification this Saturday through Schwinn. I have to admit I was intimidated coming into this training. I looked around the room and felt myself start to go into the fearful place of doubt. My mind started to talk to me-All these other women are already instructors, they look so fit, I am sure they will get to instruct before I would, I should just give this up now..........blah blah blah. That monkey mind tried to take over! Luckily it didnt last and by the end of the day I was not only certified, but extremely excited.
Amy Dixon, (www.amydixonfitness.com) the Schwinn Instructor, was absolutely amazing. She is a gorgeous and totally in shape- red head- who has incredible energy. You could tell she is passionate about fitness, the Schwinn program and connecting with her students. We learned alot of detail about planning classes and how to match the music to RPM, etc. I was a bit overwhelmed. Until the ride. It was AWESOME! Amy became this cycling warrior-she kicked ass while kicking our ass! She matched the music with the emotion of the ride and had us do visualizations which were surprisingly powerful. You could definately feel the class excitement after we rode together. I was PUMPED! All of a sudden, I found myself more confident. I let go of my fear in that ride and embraced the excitement and my own power. I realized everyone in the class was so warm, friendly, open and fantastic. It was a welcome shift from fear to joy. All it took was doing what I love.
I dont know how ready I am to jump on the bike and teach but I do hope to find a mentor to get me to that next step. I want to offer powerful, fun, motivating, hard core classes that get people excited to find their inner Beyonce. We all have one, dont we?! I am going to continue to push past fear and move through this life, living full out. I welcome fear anytime because behind it is always something worth living for.

Dutch's Fave Foods

Being a mom means you are usually the one to buy the groceries and feed the family. Mom's get the privilege of introducing the joy of food to their bambinos and establish the family food dynamic. I personally love this job and find grocery shopping very relaxing. Dutch seems to get a kick out of the grocery store, so its a win win. I love food and I hope my son finds pleasure in it too! Not only is eating fueling our bodies, but it tastes amazing, especially when it is healthy.

Here are some of Dutch's faves:

1. Avocado-Plain or on top of eggs (favorite number two), my boy can eat a half of an avocado in one sitting, easy. Avocado's are full of beta carotene and antioxidants. They are great for eye and hearth health along with a number of other positive health benefits.

2. Cage Free scrambled eggs-Once these babies cool down, Dutch can pick them up with his fingers and feed himself. I go with cage free, because although slightly more expensive, I have seen one too many documentaries about the disgusting conditions of caged chickens. I don't want my son eating a sad caged, mistreated animals anything. He needs to be eating a happy chicken! Eggs are a great protein source!

3. Whole Wheat Cinnamon Toast-I put some butter, cinnamon and xylitol on a piece of whole wheat toast and cut it up, so once again, Mr. Independent can feed himself. Xylitol is good for the teeth and butter is a great fat for growing boys. The whole wheat toast gets him some grain and vuala! A delicious breakfast!

4. Tofu- High in protein, vitamins and promotes healthy cholesterol. I get a little worried about him chewing meat so this is great because it is easy to eat and it absorbs whatever flavor you add to it. I usually just cook it in olive oil and a bit of seasoning. You can make it sweet or savory.

5. Yogurt-This is a recent fave because the first time he tried it, I picked the wrong flavor. Plain with a little vanilla was too sour! Dutch loves the Greek Gods Palmegranite flavored yogurt and so does his dad! I stay away from alot of the yogurts marketed towards kids because they add alot of sugars and chemicals to make it taste good, which is so sad! Dont do that people! I read labels and make sure the yogurt does not contain anything with -lose at the end like sucralose, glucose, etc. because that is just added sugar. If the label says too many words that I can't pronounce, then I do not buy. I love the Greek Gods brand. Yogurt has the healthy probiotics that our bodies need to digest food. There are about three or four that you will see on your yogurt label and although hard to pronounce, you do want them in your babies. These are the pectin and active cultures that create the good bacteria their little tummies need.

I know Dutch has chosen his favorite foods wisely, because his wise mama is helping, of corse! I want to teach my son that food can fuel his body in a way that can make him have a ton of energy. I know his dad will take him to McDonalds now and then (once a year at most if I can help it) and I am not going to worry about that. I think its about balance, eating healthy as much as you can, and trying new things. I would put these on my top five and I follow the same guidlines. Enjoy!

mommy, why are you so hungry?

Dutch had his first real cold this weekend. I am definately impressed that it didnt happen until he was one. It is still there a bit but so much better. He is now in good spirits thanks to baby vicks, his new humidifier, some kids tylenol, some hylands homeopathic drops, apple juice, water and cheerios. Dont judge.
I am a good mom. I am learning as I go and I realize after you become a mom, the person you were before is magnified. I think that is why I got PPD because I probably was a bit depressed before Dutch was born without realizing it. I have always been extremely sensitive and emotional. Can you imagine how that is mama magnified? BIG TIME.
It is so hard to watch your kids get sick. Especially for the first time when you feel unfarmilar and extremely cautious. I do panic and I do overreact. I did that with this cold.
I was so worried that Chad and I were not paying close enough attention. I called Chads work and actually said we need to take him to urgent care stat. Why? Because he was sick! Obviously!
Before my pregnancy I was definately an emotional eater. I have conquered that issue from my life, thank GOD. Its so annoying! I was very aware of myself this weekend and as soon as I started to feel exhausted from taking care of Dutch in sick mode, I just wanted to eat and eat. I didnt. But I did realize it was there. I just wanted some relief. Some nice hot fudge sundae that makes me feel sweet and nice and takes me to another place of peace where everyone is healthy for two minutes. Luckily I dont keep this sort of food in the house and there is no way any of the foods in our house could give me the same relief. Also luckily we dont have the money for me to go to the store and buy any extra treats.
It is so hard to see your baby suffer, even if you know it is just the common cold. He is usually so happy and fun all of the day. He was sad, scared, irritated, did not sleep well (made me appreciate his amazing sleeping skills)and all I could do was love him and comfort him. I tell myself he is fine but I still dont always trust my judgement 100%. I know part of my mom journey is to trust myself. I do think I am intuitive and make good decisions when I dont panic. Alas, I called Chad's work and he came home an hour early just because I needed him. I was the mom on the phone that said, " this is an emergency!" Chad is so calm and logical. I am so dramatic and obsessive. This is the way I am and I am still a good person. I still love myself and know I am a good mom. So I obsess....okay. Not always a bad thing.
Dutch is such a healthy little boy, of corse when he is sick, I realize how much I appreciate everyone's health. I realize that when I am "bored" during some of my time with Dutch ( I am sorry, its only once in awhile I swear), I could be apprecaiting our health and peace.
Life and motherhood is alot of ups and downs for me. Its hard to know what other mom's lives are like. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that is scared at times or that feels like I dont know what the hell I am doing. I am learning that is okay. Even if every other mom in America is Mother of the Year, it is still okay for me to be my obsessive, overly cautious, emotional, paranoid, incredibly loving self.

My One Year old TV watchin love child

My kid can eat and eat and eat. Sometimes I wonder if he knows when he is full?! This morning for breakfast he had his 6oz of formula, a piece of cinnamon toast (whole grain toast with xyilitol instead of sugar) and half a banana! He is only one, isnt he supposed to eat a palm sized amount of food?! I am not worried about it because he seems happy, healthy and his body is growing rapidly and as it should.
I have noticed he has really changed since his first birthday. I feel like it was this graduation into toddlerhood (that might be a bit dramatic). He has started to develop more of his personality. He laughs more, doesnt whine to be held as much and is drinking organic whole milk every now and then. HOLLER! I have no idea if this is a natural progression for babies to all of a sudden "grow up" at one. It is very strange because my little sister was born when I was 10 and I know I babysat her alot and played with her like she was my doll. You would think I would remember how it all goes!
I have a confession to make about Dutch's morning routine. The TV is on from the time he wakes up, to the time he goes back down for his morning nap! Yes! It is! Do you want to know what?! I dont feel bad about it at all. He gets to watch his Sprout channel which features Barney and then we change it to KCTS 9 for the main event, Sesame Street. He loves it. We have our breakfast together, I watch some TEEV with him, then I wedge the furniture so he is in a playpin type situation and I go upstairs and shower. I am actually proud of how well it all works. When I leave for work, I put Dutch in his crib to take his first morning nap around 8am. He will usually talk to himself for awhile before he goes to sleep. I am talkin FULL ON jabber walkie talk. I do sometimes wonder if he is talking to my mom (FYI-mommy is in Heaven), but that is a whole nother ball of wax.
This AM nap means that my beautiful husband gets to sleep in until about 9 or 9:30am. He is kind of a sleep diva so this really works for him. I know they wrestle with eachother alot during the day, which is interesting. Sometimes I wonder what Dutch will be like when he grows up. I really want to help him learn how to be caring, kind, confident, compassionate, full of integrity. The kind of kid who practices yoga and plays football. The kind of kid who is friends with everyone and helps old ladies cross the street. The kind of kid who will feed the homeless and date the cheerleader (or the yell leader, whatever, no preference) I am not sure how the wrestleing will fit in, but I am sure it is a healthy balance of Chad and my energies.
Chad does this thing where they "throw the ball" with eachother. This resulted in Dutch "throwing the ball" with kids at Gymboree only they didnt know why this kid was throwing balls at their faces. It is funny because I came home and told Chad that Dutch was the Gymboree bully, throwing balls at all the other kids and Chad said proudly, "he is playing ball with them!" So cute.
Now that Dutch is okay with the organic whole milk, I have been wondering and stressing about how to eliminate the formula. I definately welcome any comments on how to do this smoothly. He loves his formula. I have even done taste tests and he can always tell the formula bottle. This is antoher mom lesson that I need to go with the flow. Of corse, my Buddah husband, who is disguised as a loud mouth, tattoo'd, outspoken man's man, has reminded me to go with the flow. HE IS SO RIGHT! I am not going to worry about it and just see how it all plays out. My problem is I read something that says at age one, your kids should phase out the formula and start doing XYZ. I have found that this is never helpful information for me to read. I start to go into freak out mode and worry about the action plan and how we should do things and what if Dutch doesnt get on the milk and omg, is he happy?, what if we mess this up, what is happening, am I a good mom?! CALM DOWN. The best path is to listen to Dutch and follow his lead. Start introducing things gradually and with love and let nature and the Universe to the rest. (I am watching him pound a bottle of formula and gaze at Sesame Street as we speak) Stop reading things that are not necesary. Have patience. That word again. Patience.
It is time for me to wedge the furniture and get ready for work. I hope today brings happiness, love and laughs with my crazy and amazing kid. (aren't they all?!) I am going to practice patience and awareness. Lets not forget confidence.
Cheers to Formula and whole milk and awesome moms who sometimes worry they are crazy! Namaste

Dear Body

Dear Body,

I am writing because I want to say thank you. You are there for me everyday, ready to walk, sit, bend, twist, exercise, stand, hold my baby, hug my husband, etc. I know I take you for granted at times and I know I can be mean and I am really sorry about that. I do love you and I do appreciate everything you do for me. Took us a long time to get here but I really think we understand and appreciate eachother now more than ever.
You are so cool looking and so incredibly unique. There is no one else with my body and I need to appreciate your uniqueness more-- not let the TV goblins mess with my mind. There are some crazy awesome bodies on tv but it really doesnt have anything to do with us. You are still special to me, no matter what anyone else looks like. I dont need or want to compare you to anyone else and I vow to let that go. It is getting easier and easier as I get older and wiser. I dont know why people are afraid of old age, I personally, think its so helpful. I hope you are on board to grow old gracefully with me. I am thinking we are going to rock this joint until we are like.......atleast 100.

Thank you for giving birth to my son and keeping me healthy and strong through labor and delivery. You rocked during labor, let me tell you. Mentally I was a mess, but you, Body, you kicked ass. (I hope you liked the narcotic and the epidural, by the way. They were a nice touch for all parties involved if you ask me)

I really need to apologize for 1995-about 2007. I sure did party alot and I know I put you through the ringer. Atleast I have always been a water drinker, but I am very sorry about those years and hope you enjoyed it, atleast a little bit. I would use the phrase "its all part of growing up," but, I think I took that adventure a little too far alot of nights (and days).

I have learned alot about you over the years, Body. You love exercise but not an obsessive amount. You LOVE yoga and not always the heated kind. You really dont like gluten and dairy at this point, which is hard for me at times, but I understand, and know its important I honor that. You are the most happy when I listen to you and choose foods that will make you function at your peak. I am putting it all out there so I will apologize for the chocolate attack yesterday. You didnt deserve that and I will tell my emotions to chill out next time rather than giving in to their mood swings.

Not only do you love good foods and exercise but you really love to relax, which I appreciate. I will make more of an effort to pamper you. You work so hard every day and I really do push you to your limits. If I feel you needing a hot bath or a massage, I will make the time for those things. I hope you have noticed I have been meditating more. I struggle with that but it does feel good to just BE and to take a break from my monkey mind and detach from you for 5-20minutes.

Thank you so much for being my Body. I love you and I will continue to honor you the best that I can. Please continue communicating with me and I promise to listen. I love you.

My baby is almost one..........

My son turns one in eight days. I realize his life is going to flash before my eyes. It is amazing how intense my fear was the first few months of his life. I enjoy him so much and I cant imagine my life without him. Personally there are alot of reasons I was afraid to become a mother. My own mom passed away when I was seven and I dont think that grief will ever fully go away. I know people put moms on pedastols but let me tell ya, when yours dies early, her pedastole is so high- its in the clouds. I am so honored to have taken the role as Dutch's mom and I dont think those words will ever lose their charm. Okay maybe when he becomes a teenager, but for now, they are music to my ears.

Seeing Dutch at the age of one definately changes my perspective on my own parents. I understand they always did the best they could, living in their own worlds and using their own experiences to make decisions.

I hope Dutch grows up loving me. I hope he loves me half as much as I love him. I day dream about what he will be like as he gets older. He is already so.........Dutch. He does not like to be held down ie, diaper change (tears), changing his clothes (tears), buckling him the carseat (holy moly, watch out). He LOVES to be thrown through the air. If someone is tossing him around, pushing him into pillows, anything that involves being crazy active, he loves it. He has developed a frown he likes to wear about 50% of his day. Where the heck did that come from? He loves to check out other kids and can be a very serious little boy. He has a fascination with Elmo, but how can you blame him? Elmo is pretty rad.

I am fascinated by Dutch and am so appreciative to have the priveledge of loving him. I want to be a mom that he looks up to. I want to have my own passions and ideas that he thinks are so cool. I want to share my life with him and let him share his with me. I want to be a mom that honors his ideas and ways of thinking and I will always be his number one cheerleader no matter what. I always want to support him even if I dont understand where he is coming from.

At times it can be hard to seperate myself from my baby. I do things like go to work, exercise, and practice yoga, which take time away from him. At the same time, those things feed my own soul and I never want to neglect my own passions for life.

The first year of Dutch's life has taught me so much about who I really want to be. Who do I want him to see when he looks at his mother? Bottom line, I want him to know I love him more than anything in this universe and will do so forever. Thank you baby and happy birthday!

No one told me babies got sick!

Dutch was sick for the very first time in his entire life last night. It all started after his afternoon nap. He went down at 3pm exhausted and at 5pm, I went up there to wake him up. He was happy to see me, jumped up with energy.......then I noticed the orange barf..........everywhere. All over his bed, his blankie, his pj's and his body. My baby smelled like puke! How could this be? My baby has never been sick! He was acting normal, I thought it was a fluke. Too many sweet potatoes maybe? Until the barf didnt stop. It was an unexpected feeling to feel totally helpless while my poor baby is having a barf attack! The odd thing is, he was smiling and happy in between barf sessions while I was FREAKING OUT. I was trying to remain calm so that Dutch was not scared but I did not realize this was part of the mom job description! I thought kids got sick after like.....age 5 or something. Babies are pure positive love! How could they get sick?!
The worst part for me was the look of fear and confusion on his face when he was getting sick. MOMMY HEART BREAK!
Chad was at his friends for the amazing Seahawks game. I might have gone a little overboard when I called and said, "CHAD, OUR SON IS SICK, GET HOME NOW WE NEED TO GO TO THE EMEGENCY ROOM."
By the time Chad got home Dutch was smiling and laughing and playing in the bath. Chad started laughing and was relieved that I was being a little dramatic. The whole time this was going on I could feel the struggle inside my mind. Part of me wanted to panic and scream SOMEONE HELP MY BABY! I couldnt help but realize Dutch was totally fine and having a grand ole time in between his pukies.
I called in all the experts. Chads mom, my parents and my little sister.
My dad was the first to get to respond.
The call went something like this, "DAD, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A BABY PUKES?!"
my dad started laughing and said, "you clean it up."
He was right. I learned that Dutch can handle being sick and that the best thing for me to do in any situation is to remain calm for my baby. I did check on him multiple times in the night and I kept forcing the pedialyte down his throat (we called a nurse of corse) and continued to overreact and freak out about what we were supposed to do but there was a little helpful voice in the back of my mind saying RELAX.......he is okay. BREATHE.
Chad is such a good balance of energy for us. He was calm, kind and just there to catch Dutchie's barf when he was throwing up. He cleaned up and I think having him there calmed me down because he was not freakin. This was very awesome and reminded me Chad is such a good dad. I can give him such a hard time for watching sports all day or laying on his ass for whatever reason (I think its called relaxation but for husbands, its called lazy)
Dutch was only sick for about 5 hours. I know there are going to be worse sick days in our future and that it is something that comes with the territory. I really need to learn to relax, just go with what feels right to me and listen to Dutch's cue's on what he needs.
I think I go to the land of what if's in situations like this.
What if he is really sick and we dont do the right thing and something really bad happens?!
Keep in mind he was laughing and smiling during this sickness, CUE
What if he needs an operation or medicine and we are just sitting here watching Blade Runner? (chad had the remote)
Keep in mind Dutch had no fever, temp or any sort of symptoms that require an operation. CUE
What if I mess this up and hurt my baby?!
I need to learn to be confident in my mom skills and trust my instints. Take a step back and listen to my gut. CUE
He is now upstairs napping and although he has an appetite for liquids, he has not wanted to eat anything. I need to take this time to do my workout-take a shower-and be ready for whatever happens when this boy wakes up.

Do I want another one?

If you would have asked me this a month ago, the answer would have been HELL NO. No offense to Dutch or any other babies out there but the first year has been a pretty intense exploration of who I am. Becoming a mom has been an amazing, overwhelming and exhausting adventure. I guess the more I think about life and what I want from it, the more I realize that includes more kids. I asked myself a few questions.....
What is the most important thing in my life? My family, mainly Dutch (sorry chad, you are a close second, just being honest)
Who has been the greatest teacher? Dutch
Am I a good mother? HEC YES!
Do I want to see Dutch have a sibling? after he is potty trained, YES!

I think the reason I want another one is because it will prove to myself how much I have grown (besides the obvious reasons of having more kids, like love and all that). PPD doesnt have to own me for the rest of my life. It is something that has taught me about letting go and coming into myself. I feel that if I have another, I will be able to embrace that experience. Will it be a tough adjustment? I am not sure. It might be scary and difficult and life altering. But I really do think it is all worth it in the end. Kids are so amazing and so much fun.
If and when we have another, it will be a whole new experience. I know every baby is different and naturally this would be a whole different unique person.

People always talk about the amnesia moms get about how painful delivery is and all that. I know giving birth was not a walk in the park but I do know my fear of it was so much greater than the actual act itself. I was terrified! I remember crying because I didnt want to push. My mother in law said, "Get over it and do this for your baby!" That was the start of the rest of my life. I think moms have a motto, which is, "Get over it and do this for your baby." That is what makes kids so special. :) Giving birth was the most amazing, powerful, AWESOME experience of my life. I realized how strong I was, how brave I was and that I could push (literally) through fear. My entire family came together (they all watched Dutch pop out, not planned) for Dutch's birth. I have such incredible support in my life and I need to remember to appreciate that every day.

On a scale of most difficult I would rate it as follows
Being a mom-CRAZY HARD!
Breastfeeding-ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I LASTED TWO WEEKS.........
Giving birth- whatever
Being prego- walk in the park compared to being a mom

If you ask me, I loved being pregnant. If you ask anyone I worked with, my family, I was a fantastic pregnant lady. If you asked my husband, he would say "SHE WAS A NIGHTMARE!" Unfortunately Chad always got the worst of it, probably because he is the one person in this world who I show my nitty gritty to. There were times I loved being pregnant and times (like the last 30 days) that I struggled.

I am excited to see what the next experience is like. Props to all moms who have a second baby before the first one is potty trained. I plan to wait until Dutch is old enough to "help" mommy. I want to be able to say, "Dutch, mommy is tired. Can you go do the dishes and walk Vader? Oh ya, whip me up a latte while you are at it." Okay-maybe not that long but kids can do that at four, cant they?

wait, did I just say I am having a girl? man, I need to slow down.

Letting Go of FEAR

Dutch is 11 months now and time has flown by! I realize more and more each day that I need to enjoy him at this stage, no matter how tough it may seem. Pretty soon he will be all grown up and I will want my baby back! He has started sleeping in until 8:30AM! He goes to bed around 7 or 7:30pm and sleeps for 13 hours! I have an amazing kid, right?! Well, I get up and do my workout at 5am then get ready for work. I leave the house around 7:40am. With his new sleep in time, I dont get to see him before I go to work. This really doesnt have to be a big deal but I find that when I get home from work I feel so excited to see him! I just want to play and play and play and not put him to bed. My yoga class that I really wanted to go to was at 7:45pm last night. I had a late meeting at work so I didnt get home until 5:30pm. That only gave me two hours! I felt the guilt creep in. Chad-the hubs- who is a fantastic dad, wanted me to put him to bed before I left for class. I had such an internal battle whether or not I should skip yoga. In my ideal world, Chad would stay up and play with Dutch because I would have felt better about it. Why dont husands have some remote control so you can make them do what you want!?

My brain said Casey-how can you put him to bed early so you can go to YOGA! HOW SELFISH
Then my brain said Casey-OM!!!!!!!!!!! cant you feel the relaxation and rejuvination waiting for you!?

I realize when I start to get the unnecesary guilt, I start to doubt my instincts. I worried that he was not tired at 7:20pm and I was putting him to bed so I could selfishly go to yoga. I am still not sure if that is actually what happened, it might have been!

All I know is, Dutch was safe and sound screaming in his bed when I left for class. He was not hurt, he was not sufferring (maybe throwing a little tantrum) and I was really glad I made the choice to go to class. It was ONE DAY out of seven that I was home late and only got two hours of Dutch time. We all survived.

I am pretty confident this will happen again but next time I am hoping it can be a little different. I have been working on a technique I learned in my old weight watcher days which is reframing. What would I have done differently next time? I would have let go of the guilt and worry because I had made my choice. I went to class, I put Dutch to bed. I realize the worry and the wondering if he was not tired did not help me at all. It made me feel not good, actually.

I am continueing to learn to let go and have fun and Dutch is my best teacher. I cant wait to see him tonight!