say NO to diets

If you would have asked me about nutrition two years ago, I would have told you which diet or "guidelines" I was following. There is something about the world we live in that has the power to make women feel they have to be less LB's than they are. I had my "number" that I always strived toward. It was my weight sophomore year of college when I was like 19. Um, hello?! Unrealistic to be teenage weight foreva! Dont ask me how drinking like 12 beers a day and not eating much except for the days when I ate like a whole pizza cuz I was drunk could be the time when my body was super skinny. The key ingredient that I was missing is-- why did I want to be skinny? Just to be skinny? How about to feel good in my own skin? To have a healthy digestive track, to be proud of my healthy body. I dont think that even crossed my mind until I became pregnant. I was MISS WEIGHT WATCHERS, I even started to work for the company after I made "lifetime." The secret I was hiding during that fantastic diet was how I learned to manipulate the system to lose weight and eat completely unhealthy. I would save up points to have a huge, make me sick dessert and use the point system to judge whether I was good or bad. If I lost weight that week I didnt care about how I gave myself a stomach ache like a million times that week. There is nothing about that, that makes sense. Let me tell all of you women out there, YOU ARE ALL GOOD! I am serious. I started reading Geneen Roth's books and could totally relate to the feelings she was describing regarding eating. There are so many things that factor into my new outlook on food and my body but bottom line is I dont have rules. The only rule I have is the rule to eat things that make me feel good. Of corse taste is a factor. Of corse there are moments where I eat something like a big piece of cheesecake and have not the best feeling in my tummy afterwards but I have made a decision that no matter what, I will still love and respect myself.
Ironically I feel better than I ever have in my whole life. I am also 15 lbs. MORE my "number" that I held onto for so many years. I am almost 33 years old and any time I catch myself going into that place of self doubt, I ask myself. How many years of my life am I going to waste worrying about what I look like? At my funeral, will it matter if I was a size 6 or a size whatever? The only thing that matters is feeling happy, feeling like you are worth taking care of yourself. If you dont feel those things, that is okay too. I encourage women to take steps to honor who they are. I cant tell you how many women I talk to have feelings of "not good enough" whether they are skinny or not. Havent you looked at someone with self confidence and thought, DAMN, I want that. I know it can be scary to start to let go of diets but if I can do it, literally anyone can. I NEVER thought I would be someone who didnt always worry about weight and food. I can happily say just by honoring my body and switching the focus from I want to be skinny to I want to be healthy, I was able to live a happier life. I am so glad no one is perfect. Perfect is so so so boring. Dont believe me? Just watch Black Swan.

When the going gets tough......I cry.......then I reflect

It has been one of the those parenting weeks that has brought me back to the newborn stage. I have felt scared, insecure and worried about my baby. At the end of this week it is safe to say my baby is fine, I am the one going nuts.
No one ever told me about separation anxiety. If they did, I did not listen. I heard of the terrible two's and the newborn stage but not the 15 months old and all of a sudden I throw tantrums, go on hunger strikes and cry all the time stage. Here is the deal, ever since Dutch started daycare he has in a nut shell, cried whenever he is around me. He wants me to hold him all the time. Sometimes he wont even stop crying when I am holding him. I have noticed at times I can brave the storm. I can laugh and keep on going and let it all be, even with screaming baby. Other times, I hit my breaking point. I feel angry, trapped and just plain done. This only lasts for a minute or two but it can happen. I even started crying while Dutch was crying which confused both of us. He stopped for a second and was like, hey- I am crying, not you. It actually kind of made me laugh.
I have been praying alot this week trying to get God to work with me.
My prayers go like this:
God-please help Dutch to realize he is safe and loved and I will always be here for him
or
God-seriously? what is the deal, can you work with me here?!
or
God-I cant take this anymore! Cant you just let Dutch see you and do a dance and maybe light up or something so he will be distracted?
I kind of wish I was joking but I am not because that is honestly how it has been going.
I did hit my ultimate wall of stress and I think that has been a good thing. Ever since Friday when I totally lost it, things have almost clicked into perspective. I decided TODAY that things were going to be different. I was going to have a positive happy attitude no matter what Dutch decides to do. I will work on ignoring his cried to help him understand things are okay even if I am not holding him. I have loved getting out and taking breaks which has been huge. Teaching cycling, walking Vader or just going upstairs for a few minutes have made such a difference. Chad has been so great and having all of the crazy of this week has allowed me to see what a great partner he is. He has said the right things and been there when I needed him. When MAMA is not happy, PAPA knows he better be there. Moms-you feel me, right?!
I know the tough times always make the good times shine that much brighter. As a mom, it can be very hard to remember that fact when you hear your baby upset- even if he is just being a diva.
I know when Dutch is older I will wish for this time when he wanted no one other than me. I try to picture that when I am in deep.
As of right now he has been asleep for almost three hours. I really appreciate that, God. :)

BAM! Here is some life in yo face

This week was really really challenging. My family is going through a lot of exciting changes and I was surprised when it all seemed overwhelming. I love change! I love being busy! Why does it seem so stressful all of a sudden?

At the core of all of these things is being a mom. No matter what is happening, Dutch is my first priority. He started daycare this week and he absolutely loved it. I am so so so proud of him. He still cried really hard when I dropped him off and chased after me when I left. Day two I actually hit him with the door when he was running after me. It was a soft tap, dont worry. Oopsie!

While my Dutchie was going through his transition into boyhood, my husband was starting a new job. We were working out the kinks of only having one car while all of this exciting stuff was going on. Throughout this week I have felt so excited but at the same time so overwhelmed and so busy! The Universe decided to add some cold's to the mix just to keep it real.
Chad was the first to get the cold. I thought he was being such a baby but then I got the cold. I was a big baby. Still am.

Today, Dutch's daycare called. As soon as I saw the numbers on the caller ID- I freaked. OMG! Why are they calling me! Is my baby ok? They were very nice and just explained my baby had a fever.
I will be right there! All of a sudden, I did not give a crap about Chad's cold or my cold.

When I picked Dutch up, all of the other stuff just kind of melted away.
I really dont have anything to worry about as long as my boy is okay. I might need to keep that in my back pocket for the next time Starbucks forgets my white mocha in my mocha.

I got home and really thought about the week and all of the things I was worried about.
The house was quiet. Dutch was napping. I felt so peaceful for the first time all week.
Sometimes sucky things can make you appreciate your life.
Being sick makes me realize I need to spend more time appreciating my health.
I really and truly need to wake up everyday and say thank you (for my health, for our home, for my family, for our ONE car, for the day, for my protein shake :)

My on again off again relationship to Hot Yoga just went OFF

I have to give some background because I have a feeling this post can rub some hot yoga lovers the wrong way. I have been practicing hot yoga for about the last 10 years but the last five pretty steadily. There are so many things that drew me into this practice and most are ego based, admitted. Back in the day I loved how hot yoga just kicked my ass. It was tough and for a person who was very hard on herself for a long time, I welcomed the punishing workouts. There is something about it (at some of the studios I have been to) that is either peer pressure or dedication. I really cant tell. I mean a 30 day challenge, what the hell is that?! Its mean! I was a super freak and went for a 60 day challenge. Not healthy!!!! When I find myself worrying if I will get a spot in the front of the class or hoping that the instructor thinks I have good form, the yoga of it all is out the window. Whether the room is hot or cold the yoga is relaxing the mind. Letting go of the ego. I have to give hot yoga credit for getting me into a yoga room and starting my yoga journey. I have since taken non heated classes and different styles of yoga, practiced at different studios and there is a playful peace to many other styles of practice.
Let me explain where all of this is coming from.
Tonight I had one of the hottest and most painful classes I have had in a long time. To me the room felt angry. It was intense, extreme, it was so hot it wasnt about lengthening my body or letting go, it was about survival. I am serious. To top it off I was next to Ms. Hot Yoga herself and she was loving it.
I still have that competitive edge to me and I sometimes struggle with letting myself take breaks. I wonder if I really need it or if I just want it- that whole deal.
There was no choice tonight, it felt like take a break or die. Literally.
After the class was over I literally crawled out of the room. I felt like someone had just hit me over the head with a fever type feeling and it was NOT GOOD.
I realize this doesnt always happen to me after class and maybe I could have had more water, yada yada but something is telling me-Case, you dont have to punish yourself in a yoga class. It just doesnt make sense to me or my body right now.
Currenly I cycle, run, lift weights among other things but those are in my weekly regime. I have such a loving relationship with yoga and I want to find that romance again. I want it to feel good, to strengthen and lengthen. I want to walk out of the room lighter and freer. Not worried that I wont be able to drive home.
So once again I am going to take my yoga journey to another level. I am going to focus on practicing yoga that feeds my soul and body. Amen, Namaste, Holy crap. WHEW!

What happens when you look fear in the face? AWESOMNESS that is what

I have to share what it was like to teach my first spin class. I should have documented this right after it happened but I have been all up in my head about writing for the last few weeks. That is a whole different story for another time (maybe).
I posted awhile ago about being so scared but excited to teach spinning. Teaching has been that thing that I dreamed about. I always hoped I would be a natural, assumed I would kick ass but never actually tried it. Why? I guess whenever I thought about doing rather than fantasizing I had the fear conversation in my head. Casey-you would choke! You should just keep doing what you are doing, why do you always have to have another goal? Cant you just be happy taking other people's classes? Its too stessful, just let it go. So those were my thoughts.
It has gotten to the point in my life when those thoughts dont have as much impact. I am now a mom, I have a new found confidence after creating a person, (yes, I will use this one for the rest of my life)the timing just feels right to tell those negative thoughts to shut up and see what this teaching thing is all about. Maybe I am not so afraid to fail now that I have Dutch, I dont know.
Funny thing is, none of that matters now because I frickin did it! I went for it! I have to share the story because I am so proud of myself.
I have been taking classes at the YMCA Bellevue after my friend, Robyn referred me. She said after reading my blogs she thought I would like the YMCA because it was a non profit, she teaches yoga there and just loves it. She thought they had a mentor program for teaching. Turns out they do and I have been going the last few weeks. I met my mentor, Bill, and he is just awesome. I took one of his classes and it was fun! He played great music and made teaching seem natural.
Bill told me that I should come to his next class early so that I could learn his routine and possibly teach the following week.
I said sure, but in my head had another plan.
I went home and created a class with my own music.
I was so proud of this class. I put some K$sha in there, some Britney, a little Prodigy. This mix was the SHi$, okay. I planned the class and practiced it every night for my little Dutch. We danced to the songs and I basically pretended he was my audience.
I was good. I was also at home in front of my one year old.
Every time I thought of teaching I would get NERVES, major. I have been wanting to teach for years and I was about to do it! The thought was crazy to me.
I decided that thinking about teaching and breathing deep to release the fear and embrace confidence was my plan.
Thought of teaching-total body freak out-breathe it out.
NICE.....oh ya.
I did this everyday for a week.
It came time to meet Bill and I told him the plan.
"I have a proposition for you." I said
"What if I teach class tonight, how about that?" WHAT WAS I DOING?! I was thinking.........you really ready for this?
Bill just said, "ok."
Then I really got excited! This was it!
people started filtering in and saying, hey Bill-you are in the wrong spot.
No problem. I remained calm.
I helped one gal set up her bike and my nerves were gone.well, not totally, but they were overpowered by total excitement. I was so excited to have fun and teach that I let my inner DIVA out! I honestly didnt even know she was in there. She was fierce!
Class started and I was in HEAVEN!
I felt confident, comfortable, and totally at ease. I was SHOCKED!
It was all because I cared more about helping these people have a great class than wasting time worrying about stupid shi$. Excuse my french.
I genuinely cared about each person getting a great workout and having fun.
I was that teacher that was yelling with confidence for them to NOT STOP, TURN IT UP! Not really what the 50 something YMCA crowd was used to but I hope they were entertained if nothing else.
At one point, Bill told me my music was too loud and they needed a break.
AWESOME! I was kicking their ass! They are more community oriented and I am more ass kicking workout oriented but that is totally fine.
I was IN IT, if you know what I mean.
I know its just teaching one spin class but never in my life have I felt such power and such joy. Honestly. I kept telling them I was loving the view from my bike becasue they were working so hard!
I definately had a moment (almost cried, shhh, dont tell) when Journey came on and I saw this one woman just ROCK OUT. She was workin it, pushing herself and OWNING THAT BIKE. So awesome.
After class I had one guy say, "man, I didnt like your music but you had so much energy, it totally didnt matter."
The Journey lady came up to me and gave me a high five.
I felt so happy!
I know technically I have alot of practicing and learning to do but that is fine by me.
I now know I have the passion and the energy to really do this and that is exciting.
I am teaching again this Sunday and the big boss is going to watch me and make sure I am ready to take on Wed nights starting next month.
I made a new routine just for the YMCA crowd. I cant wait to see what they do when I play Bruce Springstein and U2. I still have techno in there but I am willing to compromise.

Yoga, the art of letting go

What is yoga to me? It is not only a physical workout that allows my body to feel strong, healthy, challenged and loved but it is a mental cleansing. I go into the yoga room whether its heated or non heated to clear my mental clutter. Once I enter the room and lay down my mat, I set my intention to clear my thoughts. If there is a mirror I focus on my third eye with such connection, that I often dont pay attention to anything else in the room. It has taken me a few years to find my yoga breath and to really feel that strong connection to myself and let go of the ego that can creep in, especially in hot yoga.
I know how important nutrition and diet can play into my mind and body during class. I have learned many lessons and each class is different. I can honestly say the yoga room is the one place in this world where I really feel connected to my spirit. I know that sounds heavy but its true. Even if the connection is subtle, it is there if I am open to it.
The other night I went to class despite the fact that I ate a LOT of garlic at lunch that day. My breathe reeked, my stomach was bloated and gassy and I was not in the best condition for a class. My husband was like...."you are still going?! Oh man, I feel bad for whoever is next to you!"
Of corse I still went. I figure you dont open your mouth in yoga-I will be fine, no one will even notice. I really wanted some yoga that night.
At this point, I can taste the garlic in my mouth like the clove was hidden in there somehow. It was gnarly and I did not like it at all. I even said out loud before I ate it, "oh man, this is going to be bad but I dont care."
Later-I cared.
As soon as I walk into the "silent" room, a fellow yogi who I know, instantly came up to me and wanted to chat. Um......this is a SILENT room so as you can imagine, I was forced to whisper with him. I was picturing my husbands face on his face waving his finger and laughing hysterically while saying "I feel sorry for whoever is next to you!" Chad would crack up if he knew I was frickin whispering with some dude.
BUT-in this moment I was able to practice the art of letting go. Yoga has this way about it that keeps my spiritual radar wide open. I am aware. Not only of my body and the class, but of my spirit. Just let this go-I heard in my head. Dont worry if he thinks your breath is stanky and now thinks you have hallitosis and possibly are the grossest yogi alive. Why does that matter? It doesnt....let it go.
Whew, letting go felt so liberating. It was not an instant letting go but after a moment or two, I was able to do it. I realize this is a wierd and insignificant story but the letting go lesson is something that can help me throughout my life. If garlic and whispering get me to let go then I will take it!
Yoga is practice, whether its a downward dog pose or the art of letting something ego related go.....its all good and its all practice.
I find my place in the room and lay out my mat and get into dead pose. This is my favorite pose of all time, you just lay there and find inner peace......atleast that is the goal.
The lady next to me starts HACKING! She is obviously recovering from a cold or throat thing and decided she HAD to come to class. Doesnt she realize how selfish she is being?! How could she do this to me! She is so gross! OMG-if she coughs one more time, I am going to be so pissed. Wait........what am I doing? Why am I thinking these awful things about this nice lady who unfortunately has a cough? What if I just let her cough go? What is so different about a cough vs garlic? Someone could have easily thought the same thoughts about me with garlic. Yoga lesson number two, we are all connected and number three-its always all good. Each time I take a class I realize the yoga is not always in the physical postures-but inside the mind during the class.
Could I ignore this lady's cough? Really ignore it and love her anyways? Send her healing energy and love rather than anything else?
I found I could. It was not easy, each time she coughed for the first instant I was irritated but the seconds that followed allowed me to work through it and let it go, love her and feed my own sould with positivity rather than the negativity.
While I was practicing letting go, I was having an amazing yoga class physically. I felt my body going an inch further when I needed to. Slipping more comfortably into standing bird and feeling places to adjust myself. I do think the physical piece is almost like a guide for walking your mind through the other mud. I picture my body holding my mind's hand and saying-"hey, lets walk through this park together."
I have thought about this class the remainder of my week. When something at work is bothering me, I continue to practice the lesson of letting go. It feels so much better than holding on.

I'm too scared!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I might puke. I have an audition to teach cycling on Saturday. My mind is buzzing. I feel so many things all at one time. This can either go very well or I will make an ass of myself. I am filled with excitement and at the same time feel like I shouldnt even go. Who am I kidding?! I have no idea what I am even going to say or do! But I have to atleast give it a shot. I might come away with good feedback. Why is this such a big deal? Can you tell I am all up in my mind about this? Okay......Casey............this is your heart and soul talking. Relax. Breathe. Everything is okay. You are going to give this a shot. You dont need to know the outcome because that doesnt matter right now. What matters is that you are pushing past your fear. You are trying something because you see passion behind it. You know you want to connect with people, help them feel good about themselves. You have good intentions. You have a good heart. You are good enough and you can do this. Peace.........openness. We love you. We will still love you after you do whatever it is you are going to do on that bike on Saturday. Laugh. This is all just for fun, my dear......